Joke Of The Day

[Sparkologist]

Listen chaps. the next time your missus complains of a headache to sidestep her bedroom duties, remember this:


Jim emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" Jim said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository... it's up to you!"

[Bazf]

Good one , reminds me of the one about the guy who goes out for a couple of drinks and says he will be home by 11 but goes drinking with his buddies and gets completely tanked up and forgets what time it is, so her indoors is fuming and ready to let him have a good gobfull and the rest as soon as he comes in.
He comes home and makes as much noise as he can, as he gets to the bottom of the stairs he shouts at the top of his voice,"Get ready women I am so randy I really need a Sh** to night" As he enters the bedroom she is............ Fast A Sleep.

[lettie]

After getting all of Pope Benedict XVI's luggage loaded into the car, and

he doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still
standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver. "Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at
the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to
work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after leaving the
airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating to 105 mph.

Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope
pulls over and rolls down the window as the policeman approaches, but the
policeman takes one look at him, goes back to his motorbike, and gets on
the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets
on the radio and the policeman tells him that he's stopped a Car going a
hundred and five. "So charge him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the
policeman.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the policeman.

The Chief then asked, "Who have you got there, the Mayor?"

Policeman: "Bigger."

Chief: "The Prime Minister?"

Policeman: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Policeman: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Policeman: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"

[Sparkologist]

Liana was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dived in.
A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.
Having climbed out of the water and discovered her clothes had been stolen, Liana decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home.
Along came Steve, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Liana. "Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town."
She jumped on his bicycle and rode side-saddle in front of him. Steve said nothing, but after ten minutes Liana was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?"
"Sure," said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls bike?"

[JohnW]

Scouse Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, inner London, Sheffield, Newcastle and anywhere in the valleys of Wales
__________________

[Sara]

A woman goes to the tatooist and ask for a butterfly on each buttock
the tatooist says to her that he couldn't do butterflies but he can do bee's
so the woman say they would do nicely.

That night she's getting ready for bed when she bends over, her husband asks whose this bob.

[staggeringman]

all muslims do not drink?this has been proven wrong today!when one was found with 5 shots in him!

[Busman747]

Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the
farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down
in the barnyard, first giving the rooster a pep talk.

I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of
chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your
time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.



Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed
toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot.
WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen
house, the farmer is completely shocked!

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the
duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down
by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.



By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing
quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried
that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up
the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold
in the middle of the yard with vultures circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and
expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny,
I told you to pace yourself and I tried to get you to
slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."



Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling
in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".

[Sara]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into

a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the

girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and

goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably

spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how

he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do

whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.

This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be

strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was

whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and

asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be

strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Tinkerbelle]

This man named fred goes into a pub toilets for a pee when he see's a man standing at the urinals with no arms. Fred finishes his pee and heads for the door when he hears the man say " excuse me mate, don't suppose you could help me could you, the thing is i am desperate for a pee but i have no arms, would you get my dick out and hold it while i have a pee?" fred feeling sorry for the poor chap gets his dick out and holds it while he has a pee. while freds doing this he notices that the guys penis is all red and scabby with warts on it that have hairs groing out of them. The guy says "thanks for helping me but could you do one more thing and just shake it for me ?" so fred shakes it for him then puts it back in his pants and zips up his fly. fred asked the man "sorry but i could'nt help noticing how red your penis looked whats wrong with it??" the fella pulled his arms out of his jacket and said" i don't know but i'm not f***in touching it".

[+*+soph*+*]

hehe some great jokes there!

[shiny gem]

a man goes to the doctor askes him for the new viagra eye drops. the doctor looks at him and says "viagra eye drops? what do you want those for?" the man replies "i want to look hard!!!"

[Tinkerbelle]

Dyslexic Cinderella
-------------------

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella worked very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and
shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was nucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and
the other was called Betty Swollocks. They were really forrible huckers,
and had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts
wouldn't let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her
gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole, and she was a
light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a
hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and
dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise
there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Miste all chucking frighty!" said
Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her
slass glipper.

Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly
isters let him in. Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a
fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that
fugly ucker over there" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud
had lifted, the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly
isters without success. Their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack
in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a
hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking
ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The hince lived his
life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

And they all lived happily ever after.

[grannyclaret]

TINKERBELLE ,,if it wasent so funny ,,,i would have your bum

[Bazf]

Q. WHAT'S green and runs around your garden?

A. A hedge
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


A MAN checked into a hotel in Australia. There was a computer in his room so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.

The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived
Date: June 3, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS It is damn hot down here !!