Joke Of The Day - Page 73

grannyclaret · 02-09-2005, 22:00

now that realy was funny......................

SPUGGIE J · 02-09-2005, 23:20

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping
to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a
little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out
on it.

The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a
tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need
water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk
over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a
lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the
water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four
hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man
was sitting at his table.

The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you
not find it?

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me
in without a tie."

Romps · 03-09-2005, 12:10

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that
he topped himself!!!

Romps · 03-09-2005, 12:13

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night!

slinky · 06-09-2005, 10:58

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE THE RAKE"

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, then points to her left breast, then points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, the man has no clue on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin' hell was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH".

Tealeaf · 09-09-2005, 16:04

Hey Up! I copied this the other day from my girlfriends diary (I'm sure she won't mind me bunging it on here)

Saturday 27th August 2005:

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was Something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs To bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

MY DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:

Saturday 27th August 2005:

Stanley lost 2-1 at home to Exeter. Gutted. Got a shag though.

Sara · 12-09-2005, 20:09

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the
>Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
>
> After explaining the commandment to "honor"
>thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches
>us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
>
> Without missing a beat one little boy (the
>oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

slinky · 13-09-2005, 17:16

Who was the last person to f'''' a aussie and bring home the ashes??????

Paula Yates............................................. ...................(sorry sorry).

lettie · 13-09-2005, 17:24

You just can't beat a woman's revenge......

A husband wrote a letter for his wife to find:

To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that
you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and
I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope
that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please
don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight."

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room
table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I
would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54
years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who,
like your secretary, is also 18 years old.
As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math,
you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one
small

difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

shiny gem · 14-09-2005, 12:25

what is E.T short for???

coz he's only got little legs!!!

slinky · 14-09-2005, 21:43

A lion walk into a bar and say's............................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..................the bar tender asks " why the long paws''??

Mik Dickinson · 14-09-2005, 21:53

This is a true story:-
Before setting off for England this year i mentioned to my 2 daughters that we could make a tape cassette to keep us occupied on the long drive and that they could pick the music.
5 hours later my youngest came over and asked when we were putting the music on the cigarette,
Told my eldest who was wshing up at the time to come and pick some music and got the answer::-
' Dad i cannot do both things at twice'
Think i am gonna have to concentrate on their English this winter

Bazf · 15-09-2005, 14:38

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A Stick.

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?

Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

3.99 a minute.

Sparkologist · 18-09-2005, 18:16

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.

She says, "'Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why duz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it an' de uva one's got an R on it?"

So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well, oim a little bit tick, yer see. De one wit the R on it is for me roight foot and the one wit the L's for me left foot."

"F**k me!" exclaims the Essex girl. "So that's why me knickers 'ave got C&A on 'em!"

Sparkologist · 19-09-2005, 17:00

This Yorkshire kid goes into a pharmacy and asks the chemist for a box of condoms.

The chemist asks, "How old are you, son?"

The kid replies, "Eleven."

"I can't sell you any condoms," the chemist says. "You're too young."

The kid says, "Gimme some rubbers or I'll break your windows."

"All right, cool it," the chemist says to the kid. "What kind of condoms do you want?"

The kid tells him, "Gimme the French ticklers."

The druggist says, "Listen, kid. Do you know what one of those things will do to a woman?"

"No," the young Tyke replies, "but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!"