Joke Of The Day - Page 74

Sparkologist · 25-09-2005, 14:08

I can understand why H&M dropped Kate Moss from their advertising campaign.
I can understand Chanel doing likewise. But why Burberry?

She's got the ultimate Chav boyfriend; she's on the Bolivian marching powder and she was born in Croydon.

Surely she's got to be the ultimate role model for the Burberry brigade!

Romps · 26-09-2005, 20:40

Windows!

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink fabrics. Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the salesman asked her "What sizes do you need?"

She replies "15 inches."

He exclaims "15 INCHES?! What room are they for?" She says, "I only need one, and it's not for a room. It's for my computer monitor."

The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not
have curtains."

The blond says "HELLOOooooooo.... I've got Windows!"

Romps · 26-09-2005, 20:48

......................

Neil · 26-09-2005, 21:46

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romps

The blond says "HELLOOooooooo.... I've got Windows!"

Is that a work story about Joanne?

Len · 01-10-2005, 14:03

A Scottish soldier

A Scottish soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, and opens it to reveal a smaller silk square which he unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.
"Six pence," says the pharmacist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence."
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana,
places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the chemist.
A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by an even Greater shout.
The Scot walks back in again, and marches up to the pharmacist.
"The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says. .........................

"We'll have a new one".

Sara · 01-10-2005, 15:48

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead!

why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
it was holding onto the first one!

why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
he thought it was a game!

cashman · 03-10-2005, 22:41

kate moss bumped into jeremy clarkson and said to him what do you do? he said i do top gear, kate said great i'll have 4 grams.

SPUGGIE J · 03-10-2005, 22:50

The political party confrences

Mik Dickinson · 04-10-2005, 21:14

Heres one for you:-
Two Blonde Genies

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially
buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by
50 beautiful women. He makes love to some of them and begins to explore the
house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet; he looks down and
the floor is covered in $1000 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. . . He answers it and standing there are
two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the
nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and! hang him by the neck until he's
dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two
blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can understand
the first wish ... having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to
make love to."

"I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted
to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

SPUGGIE J · 06-10-2005, 20:43

Bush and Rumsfeld having a conversation over Iraq. Rumsfeld tells Bush 3 Brazillians have died. Bush is aghast about this and this startles Rumsfeld. Why the concern? Rumsfeld asks; Bush replies "how many men are there in a brazilian"?

accymel · 06-10-2005, 21:05

The Chicken and the Donkey

A chicken and a donkey lived on a farm lived. They were great friends and loved to play together.

One day, the two were playing when the donkey fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the chicken to go and get the farmer for help.

The chicken ran off back to the farm as fast as he could. When he arrived at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but without success. The farmer had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 silver BMW. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken started the beautiful motorcar and, taking a length of rope, the chicken sped off, hoping he still had time to save his friends life.

Back at the bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of the rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of
the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the donkey!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

Amazingly, a few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save his life.

The donkey thought for a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing!" and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up a chick.

accymel · 06-10-2005, 21:36

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The other men looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager" the American said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang.

The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished his conversation, he explained: "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but was determined not to be outdone. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

He returned with a long piece of toilet paper trailing from his backside. The others raised their eyebrows at him. The Irishman glanced around and said: "Bejesus! Wouldja look at dat!! I'm gettin' a fax!"

accymel · 06-10-2005, 21:53

: No offence meant !!!! joke !!

Home Office Security Memo

Re: Towel Heads

Recently we received a warning about the use of the above politically incorrect term. Please note: we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words.

We have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts, our religion, our freedom and our way of life in general - and want to kill all of us for the greater glory of Allah - do not like to be called "Towel Heads."

This is because the item they wear on their heads is not a towel but actually a small, folded sheet. Therefore, from this point forward you should only refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads."

Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.

accymel · 06-10-2005, 22:01

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised
a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude
and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You
made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Romps · 13-10-2005, 21:19

Noticing one of her students was making faces at the other children in the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, that it would freeze and stay that way."

Johnny looks up and replies, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."