Joke Of The Day - Page 75

PILKYBUSDRIVER · 13-10-2005, 21:53

A dustman is going along the street picking up wheely bins.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so after
a quick look, he knocks on the door.
Eventually, a Japanese man answers.....
"Harro", he says.
"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.
"I bin on toiret" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.
"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toiret, I tol you". Says the Japanese man.
"Mate", says the dustman ...."you're misunderstanding me ....where's
yourwheely bin?"
"OK, OK", says the Japanese guy. "I wheely bin having w@nk".

Bazf · 15-10-2005, 23:04

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New CD -Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new CD you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the CD on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"
"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this CD."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant,

Scroll Down
..................
I'm Really Sorry...... But Keep Going..................

"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

PILKYBUSDRIVER · 16-10-2005, 00:19

That is bloody awful.

Bazf · 16-10-2005, 14:27

Bloody funny after six pints.

Sara · 16-10-2005, 19:08

I liked that one Bazf, passed it on a few times now.

Bazf · 18-10-2005, 16:55

A young man moved into a new apartment by himself, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman, and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
"Lets go to my apartment, I hear someone coming".

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature"?
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked,
"it's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these
breasts, they are full and 100% natural, I work out every day, my butt is firm and solid, look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he blushed and then stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me".

alieren7 · 18-10-2005, 18:30

I am sorry if this have been sent before but I am writing. No offence.
------------------------------------------------------------------

Fast forward to 2006 - it is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".

Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

Bazf · 18-10-2005, 22:05

A picture for the above post

alieren7 · 19-10-2005, 09:01

accymel · 19-10-2005, 23:15

Subject: FW: Why females should avoid a girls night after they are married

Why females should avoid a girls night after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I
told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., abit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up,I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with
such a quick-witted solution(even when totally smashed), in order
to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told
him Midnight". He didn't seem ****ed off at all. Whew! Got away
with that one!

Then he said,"We need a new cuckoo clock". "When I asked him why",
he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then
said, Oh sh*t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat,
cuckooed another
3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then tripped over the
coffee table And f*rted."

accymel · 19-10-2005, 23:18

no offence meant Joke!!!

30,000 found dead in Pakistan earthquake!

Emergency services are just checking the 2nd house now

accymel · 19-10-2005, 23:23

>Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a
>husband from among many men. It was laid out over five floors, with the men
>increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
>
>
>
>The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose
>a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down
>except to leave the place, never to return.
>
>
>
>A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some
>husbands...
>
>
>
>
>
>First floor
>
>
>
>The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women
>read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not
>loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
>
>
>
>Second floor
>
>
>
>The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
>extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's
>further up?"
>
>
>
>Third floor
>
>
>
>This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
>looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women,
>"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went."
>
>
>
>Fourth floor
>
>
>
>This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,
>are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong
>romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be
>awaiting us further on! "
>
>
>
>So up to the fifth floor they went.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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>
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>Fifth floor
>
>
>
>The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove
>that women are f * * king impossible to please. The exit is to your left,
>we
>hope you fall down the stairs. "
>
>

accymel · 22-10-2005, 23:52

BECAUSE OF RECENT TERRORIST ACTIVITY, IT IS PRUDENT FOR SECURITY REASONS TO HAVE A MUSLIM NAME.

SO, FROM NOW ON, PLEASE CALL ME BY MY NEW MUSLIM NAME:

SELDOM BIN LAYED

SPUGGIE J · 27-10-2005, 19:16

Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It
was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of
the streetlights in the area were broken, and thesilence was only broken
by the occasional sound of a stray cat siftingthrough a dustbin. Then
suddenly he heard a strange noise.....
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving
rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box
approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more
clearly....It was a coffin.
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started
walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........
BUMP........BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP.....
BUMP........BUMP......
the coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he
heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knewthe coffin was
only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming
the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and jumped into
his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through
the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued
its chase.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across
the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an
almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges....
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to
approach the young terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached
for his bathroom cabinet......
He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw
it at the coffin.......still it came .
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it
Still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........
The coffin stopped.

Bazf · 27-10-2005, 23:03

Ok worst joke in the world after that last one...
What does a mommy buffalo say to her son on his way out to school?

Wait for it...

Bi son