Joke Of The Day - Page 78

Bazf · 13-12-2005, 14:42

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and
asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up
dere,"says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the
birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of
the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says

"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts
them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes
his head and says "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous
for me!"

THERE'S MORE

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet
shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper
bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis,"
Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the
edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun
and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until
he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his
head and says "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out
of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff
and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "sod dat, lads. First dere was Gerry
with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. and now Sean Og and
his fook'n hengliding!"

Tinkerbelle · 16-12-2005, 20:43

It's nearing the Festive Season again, so just a reminder that a doggy isn't just for Christmas ..........

............. It's a great position all year round!

Tinkerbelle · 24-12-2005, 19:27

In acknowledgment of the newly announced gay marriages, IKEA have launched a new product, 'The Lesbian beds' ...........

...... there's no screwing involved, it's just tongue and groove.

Sparkologist · 26-12-2005, 09:39

Right then, chaps, did you forget to buy your loved one a Christmas present? Glad to hear you didn't.
When you have read this seasonal tale, you never will in the future, neither...

A husband rolled in pi$$ed on Christmas Eve, and was in big trouble when he forgot to get a Christmas present for his wife.
His wife told him, "Tomorrow, there better be something in the driveway for me that goes 0 to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next day, on Christmas morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new set off bathroom scales.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

Sparkologist · 29-12-2005, 13:15

Here's another joke to upset Mary Whitehouse.

Three blondes are sitting in a café, talking about what to get their boyfriends for Christmas.
"It's funny," said Samantha. "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I blow him! I think I should get him some ball warmers for Christmas."
"You know what?" replied Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard!"
They turn to the third blonde, Candi, and asked, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"
"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!" exclaimed Candi.
"You're crazy," Samantha piped up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it! It would make a great Christmas gift for Chris!"
Candi says she'll think about it. The next time they meet at the café it is Boxing Day and Candi is sporting a wicked shiner.
"Whoa!" Jenny exclaimed. "How did you get that black eye?!"
"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," Candi said.
"What on earth for?!" Jenny asked.
"I don't know," Candi replied. "I was giving him his Christmas present like you two suggested. I mentioned how strange it was that his balls were so warm, when Pete and Richard's were so cold, and he punched me!!!"

Sparkologist · 30-12-2005, 11:23

Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them. They decide that when they get home, they'll do everything that the women ask...

The next weekend, they are in the same bar.

The first guy says "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said why don't you burn the whole house down? That place is still smoldering."

The second guy said, "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don't you tear the whole car apart? It took me all night."

The third guy said, "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down, and tickled her fancy, she said "Cut that out!"

He held out his hands. "Ever seen one of these real close?"

Romps · 06-01-2006, 19:27

Bazf · 12-01-2006, 17:58

why shouldn't you wear Ukranian underpants?

Chernobyl fallout

Bazf · 23-01-2006, 15:21

Here are some of the foolish things that various football commentators have uttered, and later wished they hadn't. . .

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?"
(STUART HALL, Radio 5 Live)
"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot."
(RAY WILKINS, speaking on BBC1)
"I've got a gut feeling in my stomach. . ."
(ALAN SUGAR, speaking on BBC1)
"The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day."
(CHRIS JONES, Evening Standard)
"I would not say he [David Ginola] is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
(RON AKTINSON in a TV interview)
"Johnson has revelled in the 'hole' behind Dwight Yorke. . ."
(Carling FA Premiership WWW Page)
"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."
(DAVE BASSETT, speaking on Sky Sports)
"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals."
(PETER WITHE, speaking on Radio 5 Live)
"What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas began? I suppose it's like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal...."
(BRUCE RIOCH, ITV)
"And I suppose they [Spurs] are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than at any other time since the first half of this season, when they weren't ever in it anyway."
(JOHN MOTSON, BBC)
"I never make predictions, and I never will."
(PAUL GASCOIGNE)
"And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold."
(JIMMY HILL)
"....and the news from Guadalajara where the temperature is 96 degrees, is that Falcao is warming up."
(BRIAN MOORE)
"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."
(TERRY VENABLES)
"The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee."
(MIKE INGHAM)
"I think that was a moment of cool panic there."
(RON ATKINSON)
"Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs."
(RON ATKINSON)
"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve."
(JOHN GREIG)
"It's headed away by John Clark, using his head."
(DEREK RAE)
"Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side."
(MIKE INGHAM)
"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him."
(BOBBY ROBSON)
"The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour."
(JOHN MOTSON)
"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different."
(TREVOR BROOKING)
"You have got to miss them to score sometimes."
(DAVE BASSETT)
"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead."
(TOM FERRIE)
"A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is like a piece of paper saying you want to leave."
(JOHN HOLLINS)
"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley. . . unless somebody knocks us out."
(DAVE BASSETT)
"It was that game that put the Everton ship back on the road."
(ALAN GREEN)
"Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs on."
(KEVIN KEEGAN)
"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal."
(JIMMY HILL)
"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails."
(RICHARD PARK)
"That's football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored but England have had no chances and scored twice."
(TREVOR BROOKING)
"...and so they have not been able to improve their 100% record."
(SPORTS ROUNDUP)
"In terms of the Richter Scale this defeat was a force eight gale."
(JOHN LYALL)
"In comparison, there's no comparison."
(RON GREENWOOD)
"I would also think that the action replay showed it to be worse than it actually was."
(RON ATKINSON)
"Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put together."
(MALCOLM McDONALD)
"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins."
(BRIAN MOORE)
"Football's not like an electric light. You can't just flick the switch and change from quick to slow."
(JOHN GREIG)
"Certain people are for me and certain people are pro me."
(TERRY VENABLES)
"I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way."
(RON ATKINSON)
"And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0."
(IAN DARK)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
(DAVID ACFIELD)
"What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio"
(GERRY FRANCIS)
"If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistant"
(BRYAN ROBSON)
"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers."
(MICK LYONS)
"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head."
(DEREK JOHNSTONE)
"The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something that nobody else did."
(BARRY DAVIES)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"
(STUART PEARCE)
"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different."
(KEVIN KEEGAN)
"Glen Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we know. Neither has Bryan Robson."
(RON GREENWOOD)
"There's no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best. He's another Ryan Giggs."
(DENIS LAW)
"The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we come from the same place, play for the same club and were discovered by the same man."
(NORMAN WHITESIDE)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
(RON ATKINSON)
"I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona."
(KEVIN KEEGAN)
"The minute's silence was immaculate, I have never heard a minute's silence like that."
(GLENN HODDLE)
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?"
Terry Venables: "I think it's fifty - fifty."

Last two not football related:

"And he's got the icepack on his groin there, so possibly not the old shoulder injury."
(RAY FRENCH, Sky TV Rugby)
"Ah! isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew"
(HARRY CARPENTER - BBC TV Boat Race, 1977)

Mik Dickinson · 23-01-2006, 15:59

So like one bloke said to the other ' i am going to have to stop this telephone sex'
Why? he asks.
Well now i have got hearing aids!!!!

slinky · 28-01-2006, 00:49

A man doing his shopping one day realises that a blonde is looking at
him and he waves....he says " I'm sorry but do I know you?" she replies "I think you're
the dad of one of my kids" the man casts his mind back to the only time he has ever
been unfaithful. he says " are you the stripper that i sha""ed at the stag, the one over
the pool table where her sister pushed that cucumbber up my a""e??" the blonde says "
no i'm your sons teacher"

slinky · 28-01-2006, 01:05

One day a man goes to the doctors and explains that everything he does, he keeps farting. The man is obviously very embarrassed.

Doctor says " sit down please" so the man does, but he farts very loud and very red in the face says to the doctor " I'm very sorry but I warned you".

After a while the doctor lookss up and says " right stand up" so the man does. As he stands up he lets off a rip roarer.......he is soooo embarrassed.
Then the doctor says " right reach up as high as you can please!" so the man reaches up high, but he lets a massive fart off!!!! " omg sorry doctor" the doctor says " don't worry, now bend over and touch your toe's" so the man bends over and lets another huge fart off!!! " omg I'm sorry doctor....please help me". The doctor takes a look at the man and leaves the room.
The man is sat there for what seemed like ages, then the doctor re-appeared. In his hand he held a long stick with a hook on the end.
The man began to fret and said " bloody hell doctor what you gonna do with that thing??" the doctor said " I'm gonna open the window it bloody stinks in here"

grannyclaret · 28-01-2006, 01:09

they were 2 crackers slinky.....

slinky · 28-01-2006, 01:11

A woman was in a coma for several months, one day the nurses noticed a slight response while washing her f""ny. They rushed to her husband and explained. They suggested a little oral S"x might bring her round to which he agreed.
A few moments later her monitor flat lined, no pulse rate or heart rate. The nurses rushed into the room and said " what happened"?? the husband said " I'm not sure, she may have choked"

slinky · 28-01-2006, 01:14

Asylum seeker at the side of road eating grass. Car stops, driver says "don't eat that mate come with home with me" Asylum seeker says " I have 4 wives and 12 kids, can they come too??" driver says " f""k off!! I only have a small lawn"