Joke Of The Day - Page 79

slinky · 28-01-2006, 01:18

Ugly bloke walks into pub with big grin on his face, " what you grinning at" ask's the barman. The fella explains " well I was walking home last night past the railway lines when I saw a fit bird tied to them. I untied her and we had s"x all night it was fantastic".......the barman obviously very envious said " did she give you a B"w job??" the man said " No I couldn't find her head"

sorry

WillowTheWhisp · 28-01-2006, 22:04

Posted on behalf of Mimi:

A man is at work and he starts messing around with some dangerous machines. By accident he chops his hand off. So his friend says, "Come on, we've got to get you to the hospital." So he puts the hand in a plastic bag and off they go.

Next day this guy is back in to work and his mate says, "What happened? I thought you'd lost your hand?" and he says, "No, it's ths new micro-surgery. It's great. It's as good as new." So he starts messing around by the machines again and this time he cuts his arm off. His mate says, "Come on, let's get you down to the hospital." and he gets his arm and puts it in a plastic bag and off they go.

Next day, back into work again and he says "This micro surgery is absolutely brilliant." He starts messing around by the machines again but this time his whole head comes off. His friends puts the head in a plastic bag and takes him down to the hospital again.

Next day he doesn't show up. His mate wonders what happened. The boss says "Oh, didn't you hear? He died." His mate says, "What about this new micro surgery? Couldn't they do it this time?" and the boss says "Oh yeah, they could have done the op but he'd already suffocated from being in the plastic bag."

staggeringman · 01-02-2006, 17:23

a bonde stood at side of a river wondering how to get to the other side?
she spots another blonde on the other side and shouts how do i get to the other side? the other blonde shouts back! i thought you was on the other side.

Bazf · 02-02-2006, 15:52

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.

Why?

Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies "I just can't believe that anyone would shag you twice!"

staggeringman · 02-02-2006, 19:54

2 men! 1 is 350ft high on a tight rope,
the other is getting a blow job off an 85 year old woman,
Q.what do they have in common?

A.they both darent look down!

staggeringman · 02-02-2006, 20:14

rich man and poor man talking at the bar!
porr man says to the rich one what you getting the wife for valentines day?
oh the rich bloke says a merc and a diamond ring!
if she doesnt like one she will like the other!
what you getting yours asks the richman?
oh the poor bloke says just some slippers and a dildo!
if she doesnt like the slippers then she can go and fcuk herself.

staggeringman · 03-02-2006, 01:06

this is one for bazf.
god and jesus looking down on earth!
they see paddy rowing a boat, and jesus says i wonder what he will do if i take a qtr of his brain away?
ZAP...paddy loses qtr of his brain and carrys on rowing,
god says let me try and zaps another qtr of his brain,
paddy continues rowing
jesus says this is the last qtr and zaps him,
paddy then starts to sing???????????
ferry cross the mersey............

staggeringman · 08-02-2006, 02:39

a blonde was doing a jigsaw!and shouts to her husband,give me a hand.
the husband walks over and the blonde says ,its supposed to be a tiger?
husband says put the the frosties back in the fcuking box will you...........

staggeringman · 08-02-2006, 17:47

if a farmer grew a field full of dildos?
what would be his biggest problem?

SQUATTERS.....................

staggeringman · 09-02-2006, 17:20

an englshman,irishman,and a scotsman are in a pub,
englishman says the wife has just paid 50.00 quid
for a hair-do and she doesnt go out?
scotsman says thats nowt mine has just bought a car and she cant drive?
irishman says thats nowt my wife has took 150 condoms on holiday.......
and she doesnt even have a cock.

staggeringman · 09-02-2006, 17:37

barrymore"s success on big brother was so impressive that they
have offered him his own sitcom called.........only pools and corpses!

staggeringman · 09-02-2006, 17:45

a baby monkey asked his mum "why are we so ugly"?
mum relied"son,thank god we look like this!
you should see the poor barsteward thats reading this!

staggeringman · 09-02-2006, 18:15

a bunch of lesbians have been arrested for being drunk in accrington!
police say that they are under suspicion of minge drinking.

mthead · 09-02-2006, 18:23

FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP.
1.It is important to have a woman who helps at home,cooks,cleans & has a job.
2.It is important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3.It is important to have a woman who you can trust & doesnt lie.
4.It is important to have a woman who is good in bed & likes being with you.
5.It is very very important that these four women dont know each other..........

mthead · 09-02-2006, 18:28

A man wants his 70 yr old wife killed.He asks the killer how he will do it.Killer says'' Ill shoot her below the left nipple''.The man says''I want her killing not knee-capped!!''......