Joke Of The Day

[mthead]

Three women are having a brew.1st woman says''Im having a boob job''.2nd women says ''Im having my a**e h**e bleached''.3rd woman says ''I cant imagine your husband blonde''......

[Gayle]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out and brought him to his room. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient, you displayed sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

[Neil]

OOpps wrong forum for this one

[Bazf]

A Priest is very fond of his rooster and hens... His rooster then goes missing.
Next day in Church he asks his congregation, " Has anybody got a cock ?"
All the men stand up..." No, i mean has anybody seen a cock ?"
All the women stand up..." No, i mean has anybody seen a cock that dosnt belong to them ?"
Half the women stand up... " No!, No! " he says angrily " Has anybody seen MY COCK ?!"
All the choir boys stand up !!!

[Bazf]

Paul McCartney has bought his missus a plane...........

so she can shave her leg now.

[Busman747]

Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was
a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the
streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken
by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then
suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving
> rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP........
>
>
>
>

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box
> approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more
> clearly....It was a coffin.
>
>
>
>
>
>

>
>
>
>
> Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started
> walking briskly home.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
> faster.........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP........BUMP......
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP........BUMP.....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP........BUMP......
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he
> heard the coffin speed up after him......
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

>
>
>
> He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

>
>
>
>
> BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
>
>
>
>
>
>

>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was
only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside
slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
slumped into his comfy chair.
>
>
>
>
>

>
>
>
>
> Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through
> the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued
its chase.....
>
>
>
>
>
>

>
>
> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

>
>
>
>
> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
>
>
>
>
>

>
>
>
>
>
> In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the
door........
>
>
>
>
>
>

>
>
>
> BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
>
>
>
>

>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
>
>
>
>

>
>
>
>
>
>
> The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
> launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
> bathroom door flew off its hinges....
>
>
>
>
>
> The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
terrified lad.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
> cabinet......
>
>
>
>
>
> He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the
> coffin.......still it came .
>
>
>
>
>
>

>
> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

>
> He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....
>
>
>
>
>
> Still it came......
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

>
>
> He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came......
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
>
>
>
>
>
>

>
> He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>










>
> > The coffin stopped..........

[Gayle]

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work.

Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.



When the telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a
"Happy Birthday"!!!

[Sara]

The Dentist ...
A man goes to a dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist
pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!" The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection", the patient says, "I am fine with pills". The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagra tablet." The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!" "It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."

[harwood red]

A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles
per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks
across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling" he says, "I know
we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife
says
nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed
to 45mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of
it" he says " because I've been having an affair with your best
friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 55mph. he pushes his luck "I want the
house." he says insistently. Up to 60mph. "I want the car, too," he
continues. 65mph. "And" he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the
credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a
massive concrete bridge.
This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her "Isn't there anything
you want?"
Wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice "No, I've got
everything I need" she says. "Oh, really?" he inquires. "So what have
you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 75mph, the wife turns
to him and smiles. "The airbag" .

Never underestimate how a woman thinks!

[Bazf]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[Mick]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy" All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she
is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL
named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a running.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."

[Gayle]

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids.

He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your

e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will

automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.



To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually

do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."



Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market

and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy

corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night

with several bags of groceries for his family.



During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting

up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.



Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month

is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.



At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighbourhood gangs to help him with

the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the

community college so she can keep books for him.



By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed

people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.



Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises,

plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of

homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.



Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.



Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser

asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.



When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance

man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would

be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"



"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be

sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you are all connected to the internet, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

[Gayle]

BRAIN CRAMPS



( On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

`````````````````````````````````



"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey

````````````



"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````



"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

`````````````````````````````````````````````



"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

`````````````````````````````



"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. (No, she wasn't hiding anything.)

`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``



"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

````````````````````````````


"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President



```````````````````


"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle


``````````


"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca


```````````


"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.


````````````````````````````````````````````


"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.


`````````````````````````````````


"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President (Ex)


``````````````````

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore,

````````````````


"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Kep Enderby



````````````````


"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina



````````````````````````````````````````````


"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[Sara]

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM : Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What
can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go
this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

say two Hail Marys!

[Len]

Chester Zoo

Chester Zoo has recently acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.Within weeks of its arrival it became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.

Upon examination it was found to be in heat, to make matters worse there were no male gorillas of the species at Chester or available.

Whilst reflecting on the problem, the zoo management noticed Gareth a big Lancashire lad from Accrington, responsible for general cage duties.

Gareth, like most lads had little sense, but seemed to be able to attract lots of females. The zoo administrator approached Gareth with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £3.500? Gareth said he would have to think about it.

The following day Gareth said he would accept the offer; with three conditions. “First” he said “I don’t kiss the Gorilla”. Secondly “No one must find out about any of this”.

The administrator quickly agreed to these two requests and then asked about the third condition “Well” said Gareth “Can you give me a couple of weeks to come up with the money?”