Joke Of The Day

[slinky]

I bought an Irish crystal ball the other day, it tells me what happened last week.

[Bazf]

What Did The Fish Say When It Swam Into A Wall?











wait for it........






Damn

[Busman747]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 year old
son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and
tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The kid began his commentary as his parents put their
"plan" into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"

A few moments later...."Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called
out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving."

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments,

"The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! the father
cautiously asked, "How do you know they are
having sex?"

"Because Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a
popsicle, too.

[MUMMIBOO]

Little jonny goes to school one morning and says to his teacher:-

Jonny: I found a dead cat on my way to school miss.

Teacher: How did you know it was dead Jonny?

Jonny: 'cause i ****ed in its ear and it didn't move.

Teacher: Oh Jonny you did WHAT?

Jonny: Well i went pssst in its ear and it didn't move!

[kazza]

That cheered me up lol

[harwood red]

Smart-Ass Answer #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Smart-Ass Answer #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a butcher, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The butcher replied, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

Smart-Ass Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart-Ass Answer #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads 'Low bridge ahead'.
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Smart-Ass Answer #1

The SMART-ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
"THE TEACHER "A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, Class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!"

[Mik Dickinson]

Another one:-
Subject: LOST IN TRANSLATION

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying
them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't
been left out. He has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still
can't see it so he knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...

"Harro" says the chap.

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the bin man smiles and
says, "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet. I told you." says the Japanese man.

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your
Wheelie Bin?"

"OK-OK," says the Jap, "I wheelie bin having ****"

[talentedbutslow]

Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A little old woman answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man.

"If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

"Go away!" said the old woman. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said.

"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

In addition, with that, he emptied a bag of ashes and dirt onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of the ashes and dirt from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old woman stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

[talentedbutslow]

The Worst Day

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, and that it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a try. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

[Gayle]

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2005:


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]


Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]


War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]


Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is....


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[SPUGGIE J]

Cortosey of an Auld Reekie Res.

U R A GLASWEGIAN If:



1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan Milngavie,
Sauchiehall, St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.

2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.

3. Ye get four seasons in wan day.

4. Ye canny pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.

5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.

6. Ye see people wear shell suits with burberry accessories - pure class!

7. Ye measure distance in minutes.

8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him,
in yer ain family.

9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.

10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.

11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.

12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day
date

13. You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the
Church/Chapel.

14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips n
irn-bru,fags and nappies all in the wan shop.

15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.

16. A big flash car has a ned at the wheel.

17. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.

18. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.

19. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals

20. Finally, you are 100% Glaswegian if you have ever said/heard these
words...

how's it hingin
clatty
boggin
cludgie
pished
get it up ye
wee beasties
a*** bandit
amurny
away an bile yer heid
peely-wally
humphey backit
Ba'-heid
baw bag
dubble nuggit



-----



Wee Glesca wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has
justcame oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his
rear end aimed at an electric fire.

The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer
Ayrshire bacon?"


"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's Ah'm heatin'."

[Mik Dickinson]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and

step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.



Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not

Bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and
heads

back to the showers.



He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like
he's a

statue.



The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun

Suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.



Startled, he drops a bar of soap.



"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser." To test her

theory

the second nun also pulls on his manhood.



Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.



Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice

And three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs,

Then yells

.....





"Holy Mary, Mother of God ................ hand lotion too."

[talentedbutslow]

Home Early

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife
naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle
Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, scaring the kids!"

[Mik Dickinson]

A red Indian called 'one stone' becuase of him being born with only one testicle was getting really brassed off at being greeted with ' hallo one stone' that he threatened to kill the next person who calls him 'one stone'
Squaw yellow bird did not know this and the next morning she leaves the t Pee and greets one stone:-
Morning one stone.Upon which one stone grasps her drags her off to the woods and bonks her silly until she dies.
Yellow bird, the sister of blue bird lives on but finds due to grief of her sisters death does not wish to live anymore.
The next day she walks past one stone and greets him by his name.
Again he grabs the squaw and rushes off to the woods but bonk as he might he could not kill yellow bird
The moral of the story is:-

You can just not kill 2 birds with one stone

[shiny gem]

what's furry on the outside.....wet on the inside...
starts with a C.... has U and N in the middleand ends with a T..


yeah its a coconut! lol