Joke Of The Day - Page 82

Mik Dickinson · 31-05-2006, 14:43

I lay upon a grassy bank

> My hands were all a quiver,

> I slowly undid her suspender belt

> And her leg fell in the river

>

Mik Dickinson · 31-05-2006, 14:44

Sorry the poem was from Paul MacCartney

Mik Dickinson · 11-06-2006, 07:47

My feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor,
but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla.

"Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so
bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla
exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I
told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh,
God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy
man, always a Navy man!"

Mik Dickinson · 13-06-2006, 07:10

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.
>
>While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt
>and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and
>I would like this for my birthday."
>
>His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the
>head and says, "Go talk to your mother."
>
>So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in
>hand and finds his mother.
>
>"Mum?"
>
>"Yes son?"
>
>"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like
>this shirt for my birthday".
>
>The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head
>twice and says, "Go talk to your father."
>
>Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
>
>"Dad?"
>
>"Yes son?"
>
>"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like
>this shirt for my birthday."
>
>The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4
>times and says:
>
>"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
>
>About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home.
>
>The father turns to his son and says;
>
>"Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
>
>The son says,
>
>"Yes dad I have."
>
>"Good son, what is it?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>The son replies,
>
>"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate
>you German B*stards"
>

Tinkerbelle · 15-06-2006, 22:16

A polar bear walks into a pub, goes up to the bar and says
"I'll have a pint and a"...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

"packet of crisps please."

The barman says "why the big pause?"
The bear looked down and said "I dunno, I've always had them"

entwisi · 05-09-2006, 20:08

In a recent interview Steve Irwin was asked, "what was your favourite
children's programme?" He replied," I used to love Thunderbirds but
will always have a place in my heart for Stingray"

After the fatal stingray attack on Steve Irwin Australian police said
they were looking for 5 puppets in a plastic submarine.

Jimmy Nail is to sing Crocodile Shoes at Steve Irwin's funeral.

Sting was the first choice but that was considered inappropriate.

AccyJay · 06-09-2006, 01:52

Little boy asks his father for some help one day. Boy say's "dad, whats the differance between theoretically & reality"?

Dad replies "that easy son, ask your mother is she'd sleep with the postman for £1 million".

Boy goes off & asks his mother. On his return, father asks him what her reply was. Little boy says " she said that she would dad". Father then tells his son "now go & ask your sister if she'd sleep with the milkman for £2 million"

Boy goes off & asks his sister. On his return, father asks him what her reply was. Little boy says "she said that she would dad".

The father then says "now son, the difference is ...... theoretically we're sat on £3 million, but, in reality we're living with a couple of whores".

talentedbutslow · 19-09-2006, 09:28

My Dad,s a Father.........

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.".

Bazf · 19-09-2006, 12:23

A joke for busman.......

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"