Joke Of The Day - Page 83

slinky · 19-10-2006, 23:29

2 fleas on a fanny. 1 is a burglar tother one is a Junki. How do you tell them apart??

The burglar is hidding in a bush.............

The junki is sniffing the crack.................

sorry!!!

SPUGGIE J · 22-10-2006, 11:45

Subject: Fw: Satan

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared
at
the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the
front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away
from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming
oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan
asked.
"Nope,sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill with a
word?"asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man,
in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound
horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the
calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said
the
old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid
of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44
years."

talentedbutslow · 23-10-2006, 12:58

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.

His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

(hopefully you're really ready for this!!!)

The coffin stops!

BLACKBURN RAVER · 25-10-2006, 15:54

A bloke goes out with his mates and has a few drinks.
at the end of the night he is feeling a little horny ,but true to his wife he goes home.
when he gets home she's sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets 2 aspirin and drops them in his wifes mouth.
she starts to choke but manages to spit them out and asks..

"what did you put in my mouth ? "

" 2 aspirin " he replies

" but i havn't got a headache " she says

so the bloke says ....

" WELL THATS ALL I WANTED TO HEAR "

SPUGGIE J · 08-11-2006, 09:08

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above
New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Shaquille
O'Neal, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal
oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the
passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and
the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is
that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are
four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw
open the door and jumped from the plane.

Shaquille O'Neal was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am
the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think
the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words,
he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door
and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The
world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a
parachute, too." He grabbed a pack, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali
Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have
known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you;
you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's
smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

SPUGGIE J · 08-11-2006, 09:09

TICKLE ME ELMO

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for
her first day promptly at 8.00am.

The next day at 8.45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing
up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself, so
the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
Elmos.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric,
wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and
approached Lena.

"I'm sorry", he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday... .

Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Sparkologist · 08-11-2006, 20:42

I overheard this little tale the last time i was in the knockin' shop...

A chap visits a massage parlour:
On the wall he sees a price list:

Turkish massage £30.
Swedish Massage £75.
De-waxing £100.

Being new to the experience and not sure if he will enjoy it he decides to go for the cheapest option.

He is led into a room and told to undress and lie on the table, which he duly does. A few moments later a 20 stone Turkish wrestler enters and begins to punch and pummel him without mercy. The pain is incredible as limbs are bent into positions they were never designed to adopt. In the pause between two assaults the man manages to gasp: "Ok, I’ll pay the extra. I’ll have the Swedish massage."

The wrestler shambles out and is replaced by a tall leggy blond from Stockholm dressed only in her bra and panties. She leans over him and begins to gently rub scented oil into his bruised flesh. Soon the pain is forgotten and he becomes increasingly aroused as her slim hands travel down his back and the massage becomes distinctly ‘intimate.' His breathing becomes more rapid and his body arches rhythmically when suddenly the masseuse packs up her oils and walks to the door. The man whimpers, "Oh God, I’ll pay the extra. Don't stop!"

Immediately the girl returns and slipping her hand between his legs begins to resurrect his slightly flagging ardour. Just as the critical moment arrives the Turkish wrestler runs in and hits the man viciously in the bollocks... Sure enough, all the wax flew out of his ears.

Mik Dickinson · 12-11-2006, 10:48

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators... and another/////

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: Have you any grounds?
Man: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

Lawyer: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case.
Man: It made of concrete.

Lawyer: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
Man: No, we have carport, and not need one.

Lawyer: I mean. What are your relations like?
Man: All my relations still in Poland.

Lawyer: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Man: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?
Man: No, I always up before her.

Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?
Man: No, she white.

Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?
Man: She is going to kill me.

Lawyer: What makes you think that?
Man: I got proof.

Lawyer: What kind of proof?

Man: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover."

Mik Dickinson · 16-11-2006, 12:43

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John went for a night on the town,
as they left the night-club, Kylie, half-****ed, slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club.
Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her g-string to one side and gave her a good seeing to.
After he'd finished, Robbie turned and said "It's your turn now, Elton",
butElton started crying.
Robbie asked, "Why are you crying, Elton? What's wrong?"
Elton sobbed, "My head won't fit between the railings!!!"

Bazf · 20-11-2006, 13:58

Is there a doctor in the house?

In the Omniplex a while back, a particularly boring bit of the movie was
on, when a cry came from the dark.

Shadow at the front (shouting): "Anyone! Is there a doctor here? Is
there a doctor here?"

(Shock. Confusion.)

Voice from the back: "Here - I'm a doctor"

Voice from the front: "Sh*te film, isn't it?" ...and sat back down

Voice from the back: "Little ba * tard - if I find ya I'll rattle ya"

Overheard - Santry Cinema by YoYoBoy
Posted - Wednesday, 27th April 2005

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Big Hitter

Playing on one of Dublin's less salubrious golf courses I teamed up
with a little auld Dub. After I hit an unusually long (and flukey) drive
the auld fella turned to me an said "Jaysus son, I wouldn't go that far
on me bleedin' holidays"

Overheard - Bodenstown Golf Club by Wardy Posted - Monday, 23rd May
2005

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**

Ireland of the Welcomes!

In Roddy Boland's in Rathmines one night I overheard a group of Italian
guys (tourists) trying to chat up two Irish girls and not getting very
far.

One of the Italian's started waxing lyrical about one of the girls and
her "beautiful pale skin" and said: "In my country, you would be a
Princess"

To which the Irish girl replied "And in my country, you'd work in a
chipper, now f**k off".

Overheard - Roddy Bolands by Kaz
Posted - Thursday, 21st April 2005

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****

Irish Law is never Black and White

In one of the Dublin district courts during a hearing the injured party
is being questioned by the defence barrister. The barrister is really
trying to put pressure on the defendent and questions whether he can
identify his client who alledgedly assaulted him. The injured party is
sitting in the witness box and without flinching points across the room
and says loudly...

"yer man there, the black fella."

The defence barrister looses the rag and begins ranting about being
prejudicial to his clients skin colour and so forth. The barrister
continues along this line of attack and says indignantly to the injured
party who is still in the witness box....

"can you identify the man in this courtroom who you alledge assaulted
you without referring to his skin colour?"

The injured party looks up at the judge and then at the barrister
shrugs and says... "yeah."

The barrister asks him to do so. The injured party points again across
the court room and says...

"yer man sitting over there between the two white blokes."

Overheard - Dublin District Court by Anon Posted - Thursday, 21st
April 2005

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***

Mutant horses

My uncle was in town one day and there was a man and his son walking
infront of him.two gardas came along on their horses and the dad says...
"take a good look at dat son coz theyre the only amimals you'll ever see
wit a b*ll*x underneath them and a b*ll*x on top of them"

Overheard - my uncle heard it on henry street by leah Posted -
Tuesday, 26th April 2005

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**

Hill 16 banter

Hill 16, Croke Park, Dublin playing Westmeath and Jason Sherlcok (half Irish Half Chinese)
becomes embroiled in a fight with the Westmeath corner back right in
front of the Hill. One wag shouts out....

"Go on Jason, hit him with your wok!"

Overheard - Hill 16 by Darren Halpin
Posted - Wednesday, 27th April 2005

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**

Busman's logic

My mate's mother was walking towards a bus stop on parnell street. A
bus pulled in just before she reached the stop she went up to talk to
the bus driver.....

Mate's mother: "What number bus is this?"

Bus driver: "Its a 40, it says so on the front"

Mate's mother: "Yeah, but it says 40a on the side and 40c on the
back?!"

Bus driver: "Well I'm not going sideways or backwards!!!"

mallard · 28-11-2006, 22:39

they was grate you should do more of them

steeljack · 06-12-2006, 03:05

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with
pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far
as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.

Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"

Mik Dickinson · 09-12-2006, 06:44

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish house. He had a rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night, he discovered the rooster missing and as it was around the time he suspected cockfights occurred in the village, he decided to say something at the church the next morning. At mass, he asked, “has anybody got a cock?” and all the men stood up. No that’s not what I meant he said, “has anybody seen a cock”, all the women stood up. “No no, has anybody seen a cock that does not belong to them” to this, half of the women stood up. “No that’s not what I mean, has anybody seen my cock” and all the choirboys stood up.

Ianto.W. · 10-12-2006, 01:29

Epitaph on a spinsters grave, Who says you can't take it with you.

Mik Dickinson · 15-12-2006, 21:48

Any rugby players out there.Ipswhich rugby club are missing a couple of hookers