Joke Of The Day

[sgt_alex]

that is well funny im in i.t at the mo. i read the first bit and didtn think it was a joke at first goodjoke

[Busman747]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in

despair, he had his first meeting with a demon

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell"


"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun
down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink"

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We
drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"


The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great


"You a smoker?" the demon asked

You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over
the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're

allready dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome


The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble


"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . "



"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares"


"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation,
i never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."


"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays

[Busman747]

Speed Demon
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the
nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped
out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to
him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,
Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

[flashy]

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new
parishioners. To prove that God is THE most important thing in your life, you must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.
However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers,prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then, and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either."

[***Mr D***]

The Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he said to the Rabbi, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers who every now and then send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh' said the auditor, disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

'What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

Realising the inspector was trying to trap him the Rabbi replied, 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers and then they send a free box of matzo rolls'.

'I see,' replied the auditor thinking hard how he could fluster the know it all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi, what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'We save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete Google Page Ranking***''.

[AccyAlec]

Originally Posted by gl.c

i've got one for you...

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

KEEP READING...

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. [glow=red,2,300]Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.[/glow]

Regards,
Project Leader

what about that one?

Yea i liked it... it confused me at first but then and again not much dose hehe

Alec

[AccyAlec]

Difference Between Men and Women...


1. A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.


*** I got the joke from comedycentral.

[flashy]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

[armani]

British Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish =
pub
for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a =
Turkish
kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows =
on a
Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of all things foreign!
Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the
back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a
DIET coke.

Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the
counters.

Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive =
and
lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then =
have
call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk =
to
in the first place.
Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating
rink.

NOT TO MENTION..

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas =
decorations
were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas
cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after =
trying
to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control
Scalextric cars.

and finally...
In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls
incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

[bobthedj]

In the paper it said, please look after your neighbours in the cold weather, our neighbour is an 87 year old woman, not once has she come round to check if we're all right. And the lazy bitch hasn't even taken her milk in for two weeks.

[jedimaster]

Hurricane Shazza strikes Essex

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex
in the early hours of this morning with its epicentre in Shoeburyness.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Shoeburyness.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys BandH and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry Alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, " SOUTHEND" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?

[chav1]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[mrskitty]

Jade Goody has apparently decided to change her name and adopt the muslim faith to prove she is not rascist.
She wants to be known as 'Yaffat Fooka'.

[SPUGGIE J]

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but
I had a close miss at the weekend.

I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange
asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch
in and that was the end of that. Those less suspecting might not
be so lucky.

Be careful out there! )

[steeljack]

>> WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...
>>
>> A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

>> Half-gallon of 2% milk,
>> A carton of eggs,
>> A quart of orange juice,
>> A head of romaine lettuce,
>> A 2 lb. can of coffee and
>> A 1 lb. package of bacon.
>>
>> As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, an
>> obviously
drunk man standing and weaving from side to side behind her
watched as
she
placed the items in front of the cashier.
>>
>> While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,
>> "You must be single."
>>
>> The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued
>> by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
>>
>> She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
>> unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her
>> marital status.
>>
>> Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
>> you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
>>
>> The drunk replied ...
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> "Cause you're ugly."
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>