Joke Of The Day

[fc:stanley]

Easy joke: why are pirates pirates? CUS THEY ARRRHHHHHHHHH

[MITZY]

Derek's Story

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Derek. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets Dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club So eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,

Derek



EDITOR'S NOTE: Derek died suddenly on May 27th.

The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his jacksy, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly!

[Tinkerbelle]

A man walks up very close to a lady co-worker , inhales a big breath of air and says "your hair smells nice". After a week of this the lady puts in a sexual harassment complaint against him. The personnel manager said "What's wrong with him saying your hair smells nice?".

The lady replies "Its Keith the Dwarf!".


.............

[Diesel]

How do you spot a Blind Man in a Nudist Colony?

It's not hard

[shillelagh]

Why did God invent whiskey? So the Irish would never rule the world.


The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?" Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!



An Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

[Mancie]

NEWS FLASH

Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Merseyside, Liverpool. Police announced earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.
The Merseyside Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Thievin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on disorder issues.
The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.

[shillelagh]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where
> > their family member lay gravely ill.
> > Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
> > "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
> > worried faces.
> > "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
> > transplant.
> > It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
> > Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the
> > brain yourselves.."
> > The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a
great
>
> > length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
> > The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for
a
>
> > female brain."
> > The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
> > avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
> > A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
> > everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
> > The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the
> > entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark
> > down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been
> > used."
> > SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH

[shiny gem]

what do you call a scottish cloakroom attendant?
angus mccoatup

[SPUGGIE J]

There once were four older ladies who lived in Italy ....

They always sat outside and chatted a lot when they were younger....

One day they pooled their money together and bought a laptop computer...
see pic 1

They always wanted to see what Florida was about so they clicked on St.Augustine, Florida, and they read about the "Fountain of Youth" there...


They saved up some money and sent for four bottles of the magic water....


As soon as it arrived, they drank as much asthey could....

The rest of this story will make you a believerbecause here they are today....

see pic 2

[slinky]

One day a man went into a chemist and asked the girl behind the Counter for three packs of condoms.
"Yes, certainly." she replied "Have you tried the coloured ones? There's blue, red and yellow."
"No, actually I haven't tried them but I think I will give them a go. I'll have one pack of each colour please."
The girl gave him the condoms and he left.
Nine months later the same man walked into the chemist. The same girl was serving behind the counter.
"I'll have one Maternity Bra please." said the man.
"What bust?" asked the girl.
The man replied "The blue one."

[Sparkologist]

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".
The husband thought for a few moments, then said,
"Your pussy is tighter than your sister's".

[Ianto.W.]

The hunchback of Notre Dame; "Mrs Modo is your Quasi playing out", "no he's got the hump".

[accymel]

Irish Medical Dictionary
IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY.

ARTERY..............The study of paintings.

BACTERIA...........Back door to cafeteria.

BARIUM..............What doctors do when patients die.

BENIGN...............What you be, after you be eight.

CAESAREAN SECTION..A neighbourhood of Rome.

CATSCAN..............Searching for kitty.

CAUTERIZE..........Made eye contact with her.

COLIC...................A sheep dog.

COMA...................A punctuation mark.

DILATE..................To live long.

FESTER...................Quicker than someone else.

FIBULA...................A small lie.

IMPOTENT...............Distinguished, well known.

LABOUR PAIN...........Getting hurt at work.

MEDICAL STAFF.........A Doctor's cane.

MORBID....................A higher offer.

NITRATES.................Cheaper than day rates.

NODE.......................I knew it!

OUTPATIENT..............A person who has fainted.

PELVIS......................Second cousin to Elvis.

POST OPERATIVE........A letter carrier.

RECOVERY ROOM.......Place to do upholstery.

RECTUM.....................Nearly killed him.

SECRETION.................Hiding something.

SEIZURE......................Roman Emperor.
TABLET.......................A small table.

TERMINAL ILLNESS.......Getting sick at airport.

TUMOUR......................One plus one more.

URINE..........................Opposite of your out.

2xCONDOMS................To be sure, to be sure,


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Tinkerbelle]

I was at the cash machine this morning waiting for the little old lady in front to finish .... when she turned around and asked me to help check her balance ...... so I pushed her over.

[Tinkerbelle]

"Can anyone make a sentence using the word contagious?" asked the teacher.

Little Paddy waves his hand in the air .... "ok then Paddy can you?"

"Miss, my dad is painting the front room with a toothbrush and mum says it'll take the contagious"

.......