Joke Of The Day - Page 9

Len · 15-12-2003, 23:12

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her
five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bas***ds who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop!
And all of you bas***ds who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say,"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just
boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p**sed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

janet · 16-12-2003, 12:49

Nice one len. ;D

Len · 16-12-2003, 21:28

I found this one.
enjoy.

Subject: Sheep

A New Zealander buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,
and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but,
not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will
know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down
and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means
he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his
Landrover, drives them out into the woods, has s*x with them all, brings
them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces
that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Landrover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for
good measure brings them back and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning,he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and
drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sh***ing the sheep
and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at
the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the
sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the Landrover
and one of them is beeping the horn."

lettie · 17-12-2003, 08:08

One for the girls.

 What's the difference between a man and a Christmas tree?

A christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on!

janet · 17-12-2003, 09:43

A lady walks into the doctors office screaming
she yells " doctor, doctor my breast are hairy! what do i do"
the doctor ask, "well, how long does the hair grow?"
she replies "from here to my penis, but that's a different story"!

happyone · 17-12-2003, 12:35

i am getting frightend to even read janets jokes now  they getting worse

Dizzy D · 17-12-2003, 13:13

A teacher asked her class "What do you want out of life"?

A little girl in the back raised her hand and said

"All I want out of life is four animals".

The teacher asked "really and what four animals would that be"?

The little girl said "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage,

a tiger in my bed, and a jackass to pay for it.

The teacher fainted.

Tealeaf · 17-12-2003, 14:39

I can't understand half of 'em...........am I thick or naive?

janet · 17-12-2003, 17:29

That's because you are on a higher level than the rest of us tealeaf. lol

mez · 17-12-2003, 19:21

the teacher asked her students how they celebrated xmas, she called on patrick murphy"tell me patrick what do you do at christmas time",                                                                                                         patrick addressed the class,  "me & my 12  brothers & sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns,  then we come home, and we put mince pies by the back door & hang up our stockings. then we go to bed & wait for  father christmas to come with toys.                                                                                                          "very nice patrick , now jimmy brown, what do you do at  christmas?"                                                                                                     "me & my sisters also go to church with mum & dad & we sing carols, when we get home we put cookies & milk by the chimmney & we hang up our stockings. we hardly sleep waiting for santa to bring our toys "  jimmey replied.                                                                                                                                                                                                                      "thats also very nice jimmy, "she said then realizing there was a jewish boy in the class & not wanting to leave him out of the  discussion, she asked issac cohen the same question.                                                                                                            isaac said " well we go for a ride & we sing a song." suprised the teacher asked " what song do you sing ?"   well, its the same thing every year.  dad comes home from  the office, weall get into the rolls royce, & wedrive to his toy factory, when we go inside we look at all the  empty shelves & we sing , "what a friend we  have in jesus." then we all go to the BAHAMAS.....

happyone · 17-12-2003, 21:50

me either  tea

lettie · 18-12-2003, 07:43

The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin
and crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.    ;D

happyone · 18-12-2003, 12:31

phoned the pizza  and aske do u deliver  they said no  ham and cheeese  lamb and  beef

Tealeaf · 18-12-2003, 13:10

lettie · 18-12-2003, 13:54

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot."

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty pound note out of the man's bottom, but then a £10 note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"

Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit," says the Irishman, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

 