Joke Of The Day

[McVICAR]

HERES ONE IF YOU KNOW OLD MONEY

YOUR BOB OWES OUR BOB A BOB. AND IF YOUR BOB DOESNT GIVE OUR BOB THAT BOB YOUR BOB OWES OUR BOB OUR BOB IS GUNNA GIVE YOUR BOB A BOB ON THE NOSE

[McVICAR]

HERES ONE IF YOU KNOW OLD MONEY

YOUR BOB OWES OUR BOB A BOB. AND IF YOUR BOB DOESNT GIVE OUR BOB THAT BOB YOUR BOB OWES OUR BOB OUR BOB IS GUNNA GIVE YOUR BOB A BOB ON THE NOSE

[McVICAR]

HERES ONE IF YOU KNOW OLD MONEY

YOUR BOB OWES OUR BOB A BOB. AND IF YOUR BOB DOESNT GIVE OUR BOB THAT BOB YOUR BOB OWES OUR BOB OUR BOB IS GUNNA GIVE YOUR BOB A BOB ON THE NOSE

[Busman747]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant. "Sorry, we don't sell bottom deodorant" the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.

"But I always buy it here", the blonde says. "I bought one last month". Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, " I don't know what you bought before, may be you can bring in the empty container next time". "Sure", the blonde replies. "I'll bring it with me tomorrow"

The next day, the blonde walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick. "This is just a normal deodorant", the pharmacist tells the blonde, "You use it under your arms".

"No, it is not", the blonde answers, "it says so here: To apply, push up bottom".

[West Ender]

Edna's business has gone bankrupt, all her money has gone and she's in serious trouble. She kneels to pray,
"Please, Lord, help me. All my money is gone and I'm going to lose my home too. Please let me win the Lottery."
Wednesday's Lottery comes but someone else wins so Edna kneels in prayer again.
"Lord, help me, things are getting worse and I've only got a week before they repossess my house. Let me win the Lottery, please."
On Saturday, again, she doesn't win the Lottery. Once again she kneels to pray,
"Lord, why have you forsaken me? You know how much I need to win the Lottery. Please make it happen."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light and the great voice of God fills the air,
"Edna, meet me half way on this one. Buy a bloody ticket."

[West Ender]

Maria the maid goes to her mistress and asks for a pay rise. The mistress asks why she thinks she deserves one and Maria says she has 3 reasons.

Maria: The first reason is I iron better than you do, madam.
Mistress: Who said you iron better than me?
Maria: The master did.
Mistress: Oh

Maria: The second reason is I'm a better cook than you.
Mistress: Who said you're a better cook than me?
Maria: The master did.
Mistress: Oh

Maria: The third reason is I'm a better lover than you.
Mistress (very upset now): Did the master say that as well?
Maria: No madam. The gardener did.

[flashy]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[flashy]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had
never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all
things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

[flashy]

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
'How many
children?' asks the council worker.
'10' replies the Essex girl.
'10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?'
'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne.'
'Doesn't that get confusing?'
'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because if they are out playing
in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE
GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...'
'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed
council worker.
'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.'

[flashy]

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on
the counter.
'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.' she says.
'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear.
'No' she replies. 'This time it's mayonaise.'

[flashy]

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.'
She says 'I'll take the red one.'
The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'

[flashy]

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some
questions?'
Girl: 'OK'
Medic: 'What's your name?'
Girl: 'Sharon.'
Medic: 'OK Sharon, is this your car?'
Sharon: 'Yes.'
Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?'
Sharon: 'Romford, mate.'

[flashy]

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was
her boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news
that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!'
'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's f*cking hundreds
of them!

[flashy]

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till
she's lying flat out on the ground.
Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.'
Sharon: 'Ok.'
Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?'
Sharon: 'Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!'

[flashy]

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices
something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says,
'Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your
wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?'
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
'Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me
right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot'
'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl, 'So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave
got C&A on them!'