Joke Of The Day

[derekgas]

Haha nutcase!

[flashy]

still cant give me one hey Derek? lol

[derekgas]

Originally Posted by flashytart

still cant give me one hey Derek? lol

Nah, got to spread it about! haha

[steeljack]

President Bush made a speech to US athletes at a training camp for Beijing 2008 Olympic Games.

He began his remarks with, "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"

Immediately his speech writer ran over to the lectern and whispered in
the president's ear, "Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your
speech is underneath."

[Eric]

How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Ans: Californians don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

[cashman]

theres Days for everyone now- Mothers Day for Mums, Fathers Day for Fathers, Valentines Day for Lovers, and now Palm Sunday for Wankers.

[slinky]

Originally Posted by cashman

theres Days for everyone now- Mothers Day for Mums, Fathers Day for Fathers, Valentines Day for Lovers, and now Palm Sunday for Wankers.

lmao ..............

[Sara]

Originally Posted by cashman

theres Days for everyone now- Mothers Day for Mums, Fathers Day for Fathers, Valentines Day for Lovers, and now Palm Sunday for Wankers.

That's the sort of joke were i want to fall about laughing but deep down know i shouldn't, been the good catholic girl that i am.

[jaysay]

Two blonds are in bed and one says to the other, "I don't reckon much to this swaping lark, do you", no says the other, after ten second the first blond say "I wonder how the lads are getting on

[Yolanda25]

PLEASE DONT GET MAD AT MEL, GOT IT SENT BY SOMEONE AND THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY, IT YOU DONT THINK IT IS THEN MICK YOU CAN DELETED IT.

A Somalian arrives in Birmingham as a new immigrant to the UK He stops the
first
person he sees walking down the street and says,
'Thank you Mr. Englishman for letting me in this country, giving me
housing, food
stamps, free medical care, and free education!' The passerby says, 'You are
mistaken, I am Pakistani.' The man goes on and encounters another
passerby. Thank
you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK!' The Person says,
'I not
British, I am Polish.' The new arrival walks further, and the next person
he sees he
stops,shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful things in
England!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from India, I am not
British!' He
finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you British?' She says, No,I am from
Africa!' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British people?' The
African lady
checks her watch and
says...'Probably at work!!!!!!

[talentedbutslow]

Hope PC Plod doesn,t see this one...............

I wish it was that easy



A bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze
statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it
anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.'
The fella gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you
can keep the story!'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the drains and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster,
but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and
they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran,
he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and
they were running faster and faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as
far out into the water as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it ....
and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah,
you've come back for the story then?'

'**** no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze
Muslim, a couple of Asians, a Poof, anything
Aboriginaland an Indian spin bowler.

[Eric]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going to the Pub 7.5 and Baseball 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run other favorite applications. I'm thinking of going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help. Thanx.

Reply.

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men often complain about. Many upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a utilities and entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an Operating System and is designed to run EVERYTHING. It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings: Alimony-Child Support." I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintainance! It does come with several support systems, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve performance is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Warning: Do not, under any circumstances install Secretary With Big Tits 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Good Luck.

[Eric]

Question: Why were hurricanes normally named after women?

Answer: Because when they come they are wild and wet; but when they go, they take your house and car with them.

[derekgas]

Two guys playing golf, when a hearse drives by, first guy stands up straight, doffs his cap and bows his head, second guy says, that was decent of you, a very nice touch, first guy says, well I was married to her for 35 years!

[Eric]

Hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to santa. Or see the slogan; "Dyslexics of the World untie!"