Joke Of The Day

[Eric]

And this is one for bullseyebarb, if she ever gets around to reading jokes:

During his Presidency, Bill Clinton took a little jaunt to his home state of Arkansas using the Presidential hellicopter. When he returned to the White House, he was carrying a pig under each arm. The normally stoic Marine guard, could not resist breaking protocol and asking the Bill why he was carrying two pigs. "Sir, Mr. President, sir, may I be permitted to ask why my Commander in Chief is carrying a pig under each arm."

"Certainly you can, sargeant, these are genuine Arkansas razorbacks straight from my home in the Great State of Arkansas. I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea"

And the Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. President, sir, may I be allowed to congratulate you on making such a great trade."

[Neil]

A young blonde woman walked into the doctors and asked for his help, "Everywhere that I touch myself I have severe pain".
The doctor asks her to show him so she touched her head and howled in pain, she then touched her elbow and again howled with pain, after touching her knee the pain was unbearable and she broke down in tears.
The doctor said "I think I know what is wrong with you"
"Oh, doctor please tell me,what is it?"
"Youv'e broken your finger " he said

[Neil]

Paddy decides.....

to rob a bank. He got all the gear together - stocking mask, sawn-off shotgun, getaway car and so on. But he realised his accent would mark him out as Irish, so he took elocution lessons for almost a year until he could finally pass as an Englishman.

On the day of the robbery he donned his mask, rushed into the bank and said, "I say there, I'm terribly sorry but this is a robbery. Be a good chap and fill this sack with lots of lovely lolly."

The cashier said, "You're Irish aren't you?"

Paddy was astonished. "How the divil did ye figure dat out?", he asked.

The cashier replied, "It was easy, you've sawn the wrong end off your shotgun!"

[Neil]

A Husband and wife are shopping in Asda when the man picks up a pack
of Stella and puts them into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife

"They're on offer, only £16 for 24 cans", he says

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife

and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £32 jar of face cream and
sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man,

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

The man replies...

"SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE"

[Neil]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation.
A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash
your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one
hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says,"There's nothing wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly,
"That was very nice but listen very, very closely - are... my... test...results...back?

[Neil]

Why men make better friends than women:

Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that
she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had
slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her Husband's 10 best
friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed
that he was still there.
Reply With Quote

[Eric]

WE ARE CANADIANS

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September thru May, you live in Canada.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Canada.

If you measure distance in hours, you live in Canada.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Canada.

If you drive 150km/hr thro a metre of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Canada.

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in Canada.

If you design your kid's halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Canada.

If the speed limit on the highway is 100, and you are going 120 and everyone is passing you, you live in Canada.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in Canada.

If you have more milage on your snowblower than you do on your car, you live in Canada.

If you find -20 degrees a little chilly, you live in Canada.

['erindoors]

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan) WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
whoops!

[Sparkologist]

Good news... The Austrian cellar rapist, Josef Friztel, has been handed the death penalty.

Bad news... John Terry is taking it!

['erindoors]

WOMEN BEWARE!!!!

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago.

It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with

Someone else's thighs. The new ones were the texture of lumpy
Porridge.

Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for

Years?

Whose thighs were these and what had happened to mine? I spent the

Entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry I

Resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and those tights that

Pull everything in.

Then, just when my guard was down the thieves struck again.

My bum was next!

I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new

Rear end to the thighs they had lumbered me with earlier. I couldn't

Believe it - my new bum was attached at least three inches lower than

My original.

Now, my rear complemented my thighs lump for lump.

Frantically I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

Last year I realised my arms had been switched. One morning I was

Brushing my hair when I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh

Of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.

This was getting really scary. My body was being replaced one section

At a time.

How clever and fiendish.

AGE? Age had nothing to with it. Age is supposed to creep up,

Unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked

Repeatedly and without warning. In despair I have given up short
Sleeved
T-shirts.

Last month my neck disappeared faster than the Christmas turkey, which

It now resembled.

That's why I have decided to tell my story. I can't take on the

Medical profession by myself.

WOMEN OF THE WORLD WAKE UP!!

That really isn't plastic those surgeons are using. You KNOW where

They are getting those replacement parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face 'lift' look again.

Was it 'lifted' from you?

I think I finally found my thighs and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a

Really good price for them!!

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. THIS IS HAPPENING TO WOMEN IN YOUR TOWN EVERY
NIGHT.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last night I thought someone had stolen my boob's too!! I was lying

In bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to

Find that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I am

Keeping them safely hidden in the waistband of my skirt.

[Bazf]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

[yerself]

How many children?" asks the council worker of the chavette
10" replies the girl
10?" says the council worker, "What are their names?"
Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
Doesn't that get confusing?"
Naah..." says the girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it.
What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker
That's easy," says the girl, "I just use their surnames"..

[Benipete]

Bought a packet of sausages the other day.It had a picture of Antony Worrall Thompson on the front.
Underneath it said Prick With A Fork.

[jaysay]

The husband leans over and asks his wife,"do you remember the first time we had sex together over 50 years ago? We went behind the village tavrn where you leaned against the back fence and i made love to you"

Yes, she says, "I remember it well"

OK he says "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it again for old times sake?"

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a razy, but good idea

Apolice officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation an having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence, I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows,

The couple walk haltedly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts up her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. Asshe leans against the fence, the old man oves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about 15 minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and groaning. Finally they oth collapse, panting on the ground

The policeman is amazed, he thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about an hour of lying on he ground recovering the couple struggle to their feet and put their cloths back on. The polceman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes him, he says to them Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together, i there some kind of secret to this.

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence

[Neil]

A blonde decides to try horse riding. On her first practice she mounts her steed unassisted and it immediately springs into action.
It gallops along at a steady pace, but the blonde begins to slip off the saddle. In terror she grabs at the horses mane but she can't seem to get a firm grip. She throws her arms around the horse's neck but is struggling to stop herself sliding down its flank.
The horse gallops on, seeming oblivious to the fate of its rider. The blonde panics and attempts to leap from her steed, desperate to throw herself to safety.
Disaster strikes, her foot gets stuck in the stirrup, her head is now being struck on the ground over and over again. Things look bad for her but, seconds before she passes out, she's saved by the supermarket manager - who comes over and unplugs the ride.