Joke Of The Day

[cashman]

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.

Mick says to Paddy, 'I can't be bothered to walk all that way.'

'I know,' says Paddy, 'but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot,' Mick suggests.

They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, 'Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'

Paddy shouts back, 'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh Jesus Christ, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout!'

['erindoors]

THIS IS WHY "CLEAR" INSTRUCTIONS ARE NECESSARY!

There is a factory which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[emamum]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

['erindoors]

DUCKS IN HEAVEN


[]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks,

but

one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular

[]


St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,
'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

[emamum]

How many accywebbers does it take to change a lightbulb??

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb would have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals
section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” … another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s
3 to post about links they found from the URL’s that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”
13 to say “do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
1 to post something completely off the topic of light bulbs
20 to flame the off-topic poster
1 to post broken links of light bulb images
5 to post the correct way to post images to the forum
1 to call the broken-link poster a “noob”
5 to flame the flamer for making this a light-bulb noob-unfriendly community
1 moderator to post to stop the flames before the topic is locked
10 to post about how the moderator is stomping on their right to free speech

['erindoors]

Ok this is old but............


Darth Vader says to Luke Skywalker:
I know what you have got for Christmas....
Luke skywalker replies: How do you know that?
Darth Vader answers:




I have felt your presents



hehehehe, well?!!! It is Christmas nearly!!

[big al]

A man walks into the bedroom to find his wife packing her bags.
"Why are you packing & where are you going" he asks.
"I'm leaving you & going to Australia tommorrow. I've heard I can get $400 a time for what I do for you!"
The following day the wife walks into the bedroom to find her husband packing.
"What do you think you are doing?" she asks.
He replies "I'm packing & coming to Australia with you. I want to see how you will get on on $800 a year!"

[Neil]

McVities are to honour world champion Lewis Hamilton by putting a picture of him in his F1 car on their new range of biscuits - Won On Wheels

[big al]

Ronaldo has been questioned by the police following writing his Ferrari off on Thursday.
His statement blames the wall for not being 10 yards away!

[emamum]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their
baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that
the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that
would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's
father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very
much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for
starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain
than the father had ever experienced before. But as the
labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to
go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent
pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then
checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he
was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The
husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was
obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the
doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby
with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her
husband were ecstatic.


When they got home they found the milkman dead on the
porch.

[yerself]

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was
fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why,in Glasgow there's a wee bar called MacTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Really?" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

[big al]

"Of course I won't laugh" said the nurse, "I'm a professional with 20 years experience& I've never laughted at a patient."
Fred dropped his trousers to reveal ther smallest willie she had ever seen, length & width to match a AAA battery!
For 10 minutes the nurse rolled around on the floor in peals of laughter & finally, composing herself, apologised, said it wouldn't happen again.
"Now what seems to be the problem?" she asked.
Fred replied "It's swollen."

[Retlaw]

Originally Posted by Neil

McVities are to honour world champion Lewis Hamilton by putting a picture of him in his F1 car on their new range of biscuits - Won On Wheels

You made a mistake in your spelling, the original version of that joke had a g at the end of a certain word.

A play on the biscuits Wagon Wheels.

Retlaw.

['erindoors]

Steven woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's
> Christmas Party.
>
> He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?
> Thursday. His wife must have gone to work. As he struggled into
> consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach
> plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.
>
> He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
> saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
> table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked
> from the garden.
>
> He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no
> trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in
> through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also
> pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a
> black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.
>
> As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus,
> he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was
> written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.
>
> 'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in
> today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed
> for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it
> easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I
> love you, darling! '
>
> He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot
> breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son
> was sitting at the table, eating.
>
> Steven, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the
> previous night.
>
> 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your
> mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you
> puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the
> door. '
>
> Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such
> perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and
> breakfast waiting for me?'
>
> His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the
> bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed,
> 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm married!!'
>
> Broken Coffee Table £250
> Hot Breakfast £3.50
> Two Aspirins 20p
> Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS'

[flashman]

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing knickers !" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."