Joke Of The Day

[gynn]

Cristiano Ronaldo was going through Madrid airport the other day, when a fan asked him for an autograph.

"Do you have a pen?" asked Cristiano.

The fan suddenly fell to the ground clutching his leg, rolled over twice and got up in floods of tears.

"How's that going to get you a pen?" asked a puzzled Cristiano.

"It seems to work for you!" said the fan

[alan7554]

teacher in class asking her students to say a sentence with the word contagious in it,susan says my brother has chicken pox and it is contagious,very good says the teacher,this goes all the way round the class till little johnny has to say something,little johnny is from the local council estate and he stands up and says my dad works for the council,he paints radiators and it takes the contagious, (THINK ABOUT IT)

[Bee]

Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.

God looks at them and says; "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "What do you believe?"

Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."

God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo, "And you, Luis, what do you believe?"

Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney , "And you, Wayne, what do you believe?"

"I believe", says Rooney, "that you're sitting in my seat."

[Bee]

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have
a tooth extracted. The dentist takes
out a syringe to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles".
the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing
gas and the man objects. "I can't do the
gas thing. The thought of having the gas
mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he
has any objection to taking a pill. "No
objection," the patient says. "I'm fine
with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's
a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know
Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it
will give you something to hold onto when

[walkinman221]

Police today arrested an irishman with his penis stuck in a condom machine , when interviewed about it the police asked him why he did it his answer was well i read the instructions and it said put in £1 and push in knob.

[Alan Varrechia]

[groove]

Groove had roast pelican for his dinner whilst on holiday. It was ok, but the bill was enormous.

[Eric]

A neutrino walks into a bar. Bartender looks at him and says: "Hey, weren't you in here tomorrow"?

[claytonx]

Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house
Paddy picks up a nail,realises it's upside down & throws it away
He carries on doing this until Murphy says,Why are you throwing them away?
"Because they're upside down" says Paddy
"You daft prat"replies Murphy,"save 'em for the ceiling"

[claytonx]

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table
When she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself
She's going through the change.

[claytonx]

Just got back from my mates funeral.He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service

[claytonx]

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it

[mobertol]

Knicked this one from Andy Rooney's article in praise of women over forty...(see link below)

For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,” here’s an update for you. Now 80 percent of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

Via Andy Rooney on Women Over Forty - DivineCaroline

[claytonx]

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road
The first one picks it up and says,"Blow me i know dis face but i can't put a name to it"
The second picks it up and says "You daft fool it's me!"

[Eric]

Quantum physicists make lousy lovers ... when they find the right position, they can't find the momentum; and when they find the momentum, they can't find the position.