jokes

rockrabbit · 17-02-2005, 00:16

what happened when jesus went to mount olive ?

popeye kicked the S*** out of him

Two ducks check into a hotel for a dirty weekend. They get up to their room, only to discover they've no condoms. "No problem," quacks the male, "I'll just call down to room service and get them to bring one up."
A few minutes later, room service is knocking at the door. The male duck waddles over, takes the condom and tips the lad.
"Sir," asks the man, before leaving, "should I put that on your bill?"
"Christ no!" quacks the duck, startled, "what do you think I am, some kind of pervert?!"

An elderly man walks into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a really young girl for the night. The old steamer gives him a puzzled look and asks the fellow how old he is. "Why," the man says, "I'm 98 years old." "Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims. "Don't you realise you've had it?" "Oh," he says, "how much do I owe you, then?"

Tinkerbelle · 17-02-2005, 00:54

Pmsl nice one!!

accymel · 17-02-2005, 10:03

Have u read about the singing protective??? A condom invented to liven up the bedroom it plays a song n the more vigorous u are the louder it gets!

The Suns top ten tuna's are

Come together - Beatles
in too deep - Genesis
lay lady latex- Bob Dylan
cant get no satisfaction - The Stones
Johnny B goode - Chuck Berry
protection - Massive attack
only way is up - Yazz
sheath is the one - Knobbie Williams [the sun was really thinking hard not lol]

Any suggestions to the list ?!?!

accymel · 17-02-2005, 10:35

Temptation.

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a

requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to

temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it

still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the

temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke

with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes.

Finally, he said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

slinky · 17-02-2005, 13:11

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockrabbit

what happened when jesus went to mount olive ?

popeye kicked the S*** out of him

Two ducks check into a hotel for a dirty weekend. They get up to their room, only to discover they've no condoms. "No problem," quacks the male, "I'll just call down to room service and get them to bring one up."
A few minutes later, room service is knocking at the door. The male duck waddles over, takes the condom and tips the lad.
"Sir," asks the man, before leaving, "should I put that on your bill?"
"Christ no!" quacks the duck, startled, "what do you think I am, some kind of pervert?!"

An elderly man walks into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a really young girl for the night. The old steamer gives him a puzzled look and asks the fellow how old he is. "Why," the man says, "I'm 98 years old." "Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims. "Don't you realise you've had it?" "Oh," he says, "how much do I owe you, then?"

hehehe nice one rock!!

shiny gem · 17-02-2005, 17:20

ok bear with me on this one im useless at telling jokes!!!!

A german man goes to a brothel and chooses a woman... they go to a room and he says "i will pay you £3000 if you do as i say and dont ask any questions"
The woman thinks..well its a lot of money and im used to strange requests
So she agrees... the man pulls 4 springs out of a bag and ties them to her hands and knees, instructing her to go on all fours.
He then pulls out a duck call and tells her to blow through it during sex.
So all geared up they have sex...they bounce all over the room and eventually after many orgasms they finish. Afterwards when she is getting dressed the woman says "im sorry but i have to know...what do you call that?"
"thats the four sprung duck technique"

told you i was bad at telling em!!! but hey it made me laugh!!

shiny gem · 17-02-2005, 17:44

Quote:

Originally Posted by accystanmac

Have u read about the singing protective??? A condom invented to liven up the bedroom it plays a song n the more vigorous u are the louder it gets!

The Suns top ten tuna's are

Come together - Beatles
in too deep - Genesis
lay lady latex- Bob Dylan
cant get no satisfaction - The Stones
Johnny B goode - Chuck Berry
protection - Massive attack
only way is up - Yazz
sheath is the one - Knobbie Williams [the sun was really thinking hard not lol]

Any suggestions to the list ?!?!

Whats the matter baby - ellen foley
under pressure - queen
I want it all - queen
warm love - van morrison
wild night - van morrison
dweller on the threshold - (also) van morrison
still searching - ray davis
all day and all of the night - kinks
here comes the flood - divine comedy

how about those??? should i start applying for a job at the sun???

John_Timmins · 17-02-2005, 18:20

They may have been put up on here before but still they made me laugh

Parrot Talk
One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.
He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ''That parrot repeats everything he hears.''
''That's alright,'' the man replied.
So the man bought the parrot and left the store.
As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber.
The cop hollered to his partner, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''
Then the parrot said, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''
They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen.
The man said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''
The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''
They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''
The parrot said, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''
Then they walked into a church and sat down.
The minister was in the middle of the sermon.
He said, ''The Lord is above us.''
The parrot said, ''Shoot him down,shoot him down!''
The minister said, ''The devil is below us.''
The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up.''
Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him.
The parrot said,'' Hit a big one, win a prize!''

Oxford, Cambridge, and Urinal Etiquette
An Oxford and Cambridge Law grad met in a washroom during a law convention.
The Oxford graduate said, "Didn't they teach you to wash your hands at Cambridge?"
The Cambridge grad responded, "No they taught us not to p*ss on our hands."

Poof! You're a dog.

How do you make a cat be a dog?

Pour petrol on it and light it with a match. It will go 'WOOF.

You're So Stupid

You're so stupid that you think 'harass' is two words.

Doctors vs. Lawyers

Two Lawyers boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a doctor got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Lawyers.

The doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the lawyer in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a Coke."

"No problem," said the doctor, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the lawyers picked up the doctor’s shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the Coke, the other lawyer said, "That looks good, think I'll have one too."

Again, the doctor obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other lawyer picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The doctor returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the doctor slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked.

"This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and ****ing in Cokes?"

A Scottish tourist at his first baseball game...

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with Google Page Ranking-r-ride man! Walk with Google Page Ranking-r-ride!!!!"

Cousin Jack Falls Apart

One friend was talking with another friend about his cousin who recently passed away.

"By the time cousin Jack died he had a transplanted heart, a plastic hip joint, a plastic leg and a plastic arm."

"Where did they burry him?'"

"Duh - they didn't bury him, he was recycled!"

Le Parfumerie y le Blonde

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."

The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."

So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."

Name Those Tracks
Two blonde biologists were in the field one fine summer day. While following a game trail, they came across a pair of tracks. "Look! a pair of tracks" The first blonde said while pointing to the ground.

"Those are deer tracks," the other blonde replied.

"Oh no,"she said to the first, "Those are definitely moose tracks."
With this, they began to argue. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them

Blonde Stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering
what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captaind asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!!

Monkey Organization

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Duck orders quakers

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers.
The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender again explains that the bar doesn't serve quackers.
Sure enough, the very next day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks for some quackers. The bartender screams at the duck, "If you come in here one more time, I'm going to nail your beak into the wall with a hammer and some nails! "
A few days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again.The bartender notices the duck and says, "I'm warning you!"
The duck replies, "Do you have a hammer?"
The bartender replies, "No!"
The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender replies, "No!"
The duck grins and asks, "Do you have any quackers?"

shiny gem · 20-02-2005, 21:57

2 drums and a symbol fall down a cliff.....
dum dum tshh!!!

Margaret Pilkington · 20-02-2005, 22:19

An ancient mariner goes to a brothel for services. The Madam sorts him out a sweet young thing. They get to the room and down to business. The ancient mariner says to the girl 'am I going too fast for you?'...... she says 'no, captain.....you are doing about 3 knots......you're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back'

Tinkerbelle · 20-02-2005, 22:40

Quote:

Originally Posted by shiny gem

2 drums and a symbol fall down a cliff.....
dum dum tshh!!!

Dear me gem! Thats another bad joke i thought you saved those for us in the chat room

shiny gem · 20-02-2005, 22:44

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tinkerbelle

Dear me gem! Thats another bad joke i thought you saved those for us in the chat room

saved it just for you tink!!

carl hurles · 20-02-2005, 22:45

there was a man sunbathing on the beach with no arms or legs
a few moments later three sexy woman walk up to him he grins at them and says hi the 1st woman ask have you ever been huged
the man replies no
so the woman gives him a hug
the second woman asks have you ever been kissed
the man replie no
so she gives him a kiss
the 3rd woman asks him have you ever been f**ked the mans eyes shine and glimmer
and replie no
so she then replies well you are now the tyde is comein in

shiny gem · 20-02-2005, 22:51

erm is that your name or a description of something that happens after too many pints??? just curious is all