MEN, don't ya just love them!!!

flashy · 16-04-2010, 16:40

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt
seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb....
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed
the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
------- ---------------------------------------
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat
him to death. AMEN
----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX
(because they are plugged into a genius)
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2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
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3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
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4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
-----------------------------------------------
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
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5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
----------------------------------------------
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
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7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
-----------------------------------------------
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
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And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
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Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your
heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!

DaveinGermany · 16-04-2010, 20:16

What have we done to deserve that little lot ????

Ah well if you can't beat em' !!

Blonde paint job A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Women & Motors Eh !! who says they can't tell one from another

flashy · 16-04-2010, 20:22

excellent lol

Eric · 17-04-2010, 08:21

And what do you call an intelligent blonde: A Golden Retriever.

Eric · 17-04-2010, 08:31

Adam was sitting bored and lonely in the Garden of Eden. He had named all the animals, explored the lakes and the vales; and was now, well, bored out of his ever lovin' mind. So, he called on God: "Yo, God, Eden is grrrrreat; but I can't really enjoy it by myself. I need a companion: kind, loving, loyal ... a true mate ... a friend and a partner. So, create me one. You are the creation guy."
God responded in his booming voice: "Adam, creation is over. Anything I do from now on has to be paid for. What you want is going to cost you an arm and a leg."
"An arm and a leg" mused Adam. "I don't think I can do that. What can I get for a rib"?

DaveinGermany · 17-04-2010, 18:42

As this is obviously a thread for "Avin' a dig" a quick poke across the border eastwards I think will be in order

read on

Yorkshire Jokes

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."

***

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"

***
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were Thin".
He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you"..
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were Thin".

***

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

Even those Tykes on here would've grinned, somewhat strained perhaps but grinned non the less !

Eric · 18-04-2010, 08:24

And did you hear of the gruesome discovery in Ossy? The police found a skeleton in a tree! DNA testing revealed that it was the mortal remains of the hide and go seek champion of 1932.

Eric · 18-04-2010, 08:30

I do have one which involves Adam and Eve, carnal knowledge, and the fish in the lake. However, it qualifies for the over 18s; and because I'm entering my second childhood

, I'm not allowed in there.

jaysay · 18-04-2010, 09:42

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eric

I do have one which involves Adam and Eve, carnal knowledge, and the fish in the lake. However, it qualifies for the over 18s; and because I'm entering my second childhood

, I'm not allowed in there.

Funny that Eric I remember a lot of your mates from your first childhood