more jokes

[rockrabbit]

> > > I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
> > > arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
> > >
> > > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
>in
> > > the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
> > > kayak and heat it.
> > >
> > > So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
> > > "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
> > > closest".
> > >
> > > You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
> > > night before and shoot the fox.
> > >
> > > The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,
>I
>
> > > said "Did you get my drift?".
> > >
> > > So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
>complaint,
> > > this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
> > >
> > > I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull
>a
>
> > > fast one".
> > >
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
> > >
> > > So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
>He
>
> > > said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
> > >
> > > But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
> > > myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
> > >
> > > So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
> > > Wedgie Kray.
> > >
> > > So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a
>red
> > > rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I
>asked
>
> > > for a-ROMATIC duck".
> > >
> > > But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
> > > competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
> > >
> > > So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about
>your
> > > carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".
> > >
> > > You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
> > > converter.
> > >
> > > So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
>caller",
> > > he said "Not you again".
> > >
> > > So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
> > > there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the
>salt.
>
> > >
> > > He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
> > > condiment".
> > >
> > > Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example
>Goran,
>
> > > even he's a witch.
> > >
> > > And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
> > > bisatchel.
> > >
> > > So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
>I
>
> > > said "Are you two an item?".
> > >
> > > So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
> > > thought "That's a turtle disaster".
> > >
> > > Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't
>want
> > > your
> > > type in here"
> > >
> > > A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
>don't
>
> > > start anything"
> > >
> > > A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is
>this
>
> > > some kind of joke?"
> > >
> > > A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve
>food
>in
> > > here"
> > >
> > > Dyslexic man walks into a bra
> > >
> > > A seal walks into a club...
> > >
> > > A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
>"Pint
> > > please, and one for the road."
> > >
> > > A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up
>to
> > > the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
> > >
> > > A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
>the
> > > lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
>hour,
>
> > > the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
>why?"
> > > they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess
> > > nuts boasting in an open foyer."
> > >
> > > There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
>ten
> > > different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
> > > Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
> > >
> > > A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
>a
>
> > > family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
>Spain,
> > > they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
>his
>
> > > mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished
>she
> > > also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins.
>If
> > > you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal