NTL Complaint letter

vorlon24 · 17-01-2005, 10:17

A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (from their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat *rse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes, an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35%... the hours between about 6pm midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled b*llock jugglers. I have been informed that:
* A telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);
* no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);
* I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
* I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed);
* I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy p*ss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of b*stards you truly are.

You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - w*nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver- any such activity will be
greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts.

Tealeaf · 17-01-2005, 13:14

I bet you wrote that, did'nt you,Vorlon....come on, own up, don't be shy.

mthead · 17-01-2005, 13:31

LOL isit genuine?

vorlon24 · 17-01-2005, 13:55

Unfortunately I can't take the credit for such an articulate piece of literature, plus I don't have any cats.

But it is apparently genuine - someone in the NTL complaints department must have leaked it to the public domain

WillowTheWhisp · 17-01-2005, 14:00

Apparently there's a whole website dedicated to letters of complaint to NTL. I'm glad I'm with BT now.

vorlon24 · 17-01-2005, 14:20

do you know the web addy for that Willow?

WillowTheWhisp · 18-01-2005, 22:39

http://www.clik2complaints.co.uk/DPs/dp_ntl1.html

There's this one but it isn't as funny as yours.

vorlon24 · 19-01-2005, 10:05

Quote:

Originally Posted by WillowTheWhisp

Apparently there's a whole website dedicated to letters of complaint to NTL. I'm glad I'm with BT now.

Quote:

I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy p*ss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers.

Are you happy with BT, Willow?

WillowTheWhisp · 19-01-2005, 14:44

Actually BT and 02 have been very helpful to me through one or two small problems I've had.

Mick · 19-01-2005, 14:48

Well i have NTL TV , Phone , and Broadband for over 3 years now and not had any problems at all with them ,
Even when we moved they just moved all the services with me even cept the same phone number
they ran all the cables where I wanted them to go and even came and put a phone extension in upstairs for free ...
so sorry folks i cant fault them

vorlon24 · 19-01-2005, 15:30

After seeing all the complaints about them I think I will be steering well clear.

The thing that I saw that will prevent me from giving them my custom was a comment along the lines of they are not interested in you unless you want something that means they will take your money.

That was a bit longwinded, wasn't it, but I hope you get the drift!