Oh Dear, Can't Do Right For Doing Wrong

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So here we all are enjoying the sunshine, all this heat gives a person a thirst, so as usual I gave in and indulged in a pint or three.
One of the other things about this wonderful weather is the number of flies, one of them decided I should be it's friend and kept landing on me.
As you know this can be an irritation so I decided to teach it a lesson, picked up a beer mat and with my first attempt crushed it.
I gave no more thought to my deed until about 5 minutes after some guy came and sat at the table with his pint, he rolled himself a ciggy then picked up the beer mat and placed it on top of his glass to keep the flies away.
Excuse me I said, don't use that beer mat I killed a fly with it earlier, he thanked me for the information but, as he removed the beer mat the fly dropped into his pint, oh dear me he said in four letter words you've just ruined my pint!
Quick to remove myself from any responsibility and therefore having to replace his beer, I said no, you should have checked both sides of the beer mat, he didn't look happy, ( I can't blame him), had I kept my gob shut he would probably have drunk the fly without noticing and even if he had noticed it wouldn't be glaring at me now.

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Same pub different day, sat there minding my own beeswax, bit of a do on curly ham sandwiches offered all around.
Meanwhile I feel something chewing on my shoelace, it's the smallest chiwawa I've ever ever seen!
I turned to this lady and said, I don't want to worry you but the filling has dropped out of your sandwich, like Queen Victoria she was not amused, she picked up her little coochy coo and moved away from this horrible man.

[Big Joe]

Many years ago I was eating a pie and chips standing in a bus shelter. A lady with a poodle was stood next to me. The dog was yapping the way poodles do then sitting up begging at me while Im eating my grub. The lady said her dog meant know harm but was due feeding when they got home. So I asked her if I could throw the dog a bit to which she gave me a warm smile and nodded followed by not at all. Imagine her surprise as the poodle flew across the road and landed in the bushes!!!