Steve's Handy tips

[expat]

Avoid 'Red Eye' when taking flash photographs by sticking a small piece of black tape over the flash bulb on the front of your camera.

[ellie]

Make your own orthapaedic car seat cover by sewing conkers onto a string vest.


Farmers. Don't throw away those old pairs of rubber gloves. With the ends of the fingers cut off they make sexy 'peep hole' bras for cows.

[lettie]

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff
broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the
side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the damn
thing in the first place, you fat gits.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat
friend's backside, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The
possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking
any of them.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic
explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their
noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to
impress the girls.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

[Sparkologist]

A tip for all you electricians and wire monkeys out there:

When removing insulation from a cable with a sharp knife... Never cut towards your thumb. Always cut towards your chum!

[Len]

Good one.

Whats a wire monkey? lol
Is it similar to a monkey post?

Just joking.

[lettie]

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over
any that you catch in the act.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower

Sweet corn fans. Save money on toilet paper by simply pouring the
stuff straight down the pan.

[ellie]

Plastic tops off smartie tubes maake ideal frisbees for a pet gerbil or hamster.

Pop tarts make deal radiators for dolls' houses.


Small lengthsof rubber make ideal 'skin tight body suits' for worms. Roll them in talcum powder first to ensure a comfortable fit.

[Sparkologist]

Don't try this at home, kids.

If you are ever plagued by seagulls, firstly gain their confidence by throwing pieces of bread to them.
Once they no longer see you as a threat, substitute the bread for half an alker-seltzer, then watch them fall out of the sky faster than a lead ballon when the tablet goes 'plink-plink-fizz' in their belly.

[Sparkologist]

Anorexics.

When your knees become thicker than your legs, start eating cakes again.

[Sparkologist]

Girls.

Take an empty cigar tube fill it with wasps & shake it. Hey, there you are, an inexpensive vibrator... and no batteries to go flat!

[Sparkologist]

Travellers

A sheet of sandpaper makes a useful substitute for a map whe you are visiting the Sahara Desert

[DOOM]

not so sure on the 2nd one...sounds a little.....retarded. i will do the rest however!

[Sparkologist]

Engineers.

Have all you sh*ts at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, you will be getting paid for it!

[Sparkologist]

Nissan Micra Drivers.

Attatch a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before setting out on a journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

[lettie]

If you suffer from Halitosis. Simply regulate your breathing, so that you are breathing out at the same time as everybody else.