Steve's Handy tips

[jelly baby]

Have fun and confuse your neighbours, buy a TV & remote the same model as theirs and hide under the window to change their channels. You are likely to hear a few new words as well, so this tip is educational as well as fun!!

[fibi]

To make your hips and thighs look slim on the beach, dig two tunnels under your thighs and make a small dent in the sand for your bottom. Place your towel over the top and sit in the dug out area. Hey presto, no bulging thighs and hips.

[vorlon24]

Alternatively, get liposuction!!!

[jelly baby]

Avoid paying lots of money for a personalised number plate, simply change your name to PR52 146.

[Bazf]

Time to return to Handy tips, you can tell I got a couple of copies of Viz for Christmas.

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards.

PET OWNERS Rats make ideal 'large print' mice for short-sighted cats.

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead

[Bazf]

This thread nearly died so heres some more to keep it going.....


DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

RED WINE DRINKERS Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night of drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking Out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

[Sparkologist]

Top Tip

Fill a whoopee cushion with brown sauce. It will make it look like the victim has followed through!

[AccyLass]

Originally Posted by Sparkologist

Top Tip

Fill a whoopee cushion with brown sauce. It will make it look like the victim has followed through!

Lol! Just don't place the whoopee cushion on ya favourite chair!

[enigmaman]

If You File All The Corners Off A Fifty Pence Coin , You Can Use Them As Ten pence Pieces In The Phone Box .

[AccyLass]

Eee what a waste of 50p


I'm sure somene will let us know later if it worked

(I'd be more likely to carry a 10p piece than a file tho)

[enigmaman]

When You Ask For Ice In The Pub Make Sure It Is Fresh And Not That Frozen Rubbish >>>>

[Studio25]

Originally Posted by ShortStuff

Don't forget the warning on a packet of KP salted nuts - MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUTS

I do have a photo somewhere of an egg carton with "Allergy advice: Contains egg" on it.