Steve's Handy tips

expat · 15-04-2004, 11:50

When leaving your house empty,nip across into your neighbours garden and prize open one of their windows. This will make their house a far more attractive proposition to burglars than your own.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling your bath with cold water adding two bottles of bleach,then urinating into it before jumping in.

If you have a squeaking door,leave your house and walk fifty yards down the street.from this distance it is unlikely you will be able to here it.

Stay tuned for more handy tips
Steve

Tealeaf · 15-04-2004, 12:48

If your neighbours have a dog that craps all over the place, scoop it up and shovel it through their letter box at dead of night. This will drop a hint & also keep the flies out of your kitchen the following morning.

Sparkologist · 15-04-2004, 13:35

Don't try and whistle with a mouth full of custard!

Bazf · 15-04-2004, 13:43

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
erased.

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking
them to wrap it.

AccyStanFan · 15-04-2004, 14:29

classic

reminds me of the ol' nyttol may cause drowsiness warning

Tealeaf · 15-04-2004, 14:32

Avoid burglars in your house - put your television somewhere where no one can see it

Bazf · 15-04-2004, 18:13

Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker
"Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be
dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding
under the covers.

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and
talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,
or set fire to someone else's house.

ShortStuff · 15-04-2004, 18:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by AccyStanFan

classic

reminds me of the ol' nyttol may cause drowsiness warning

Don't forget the warning on a packet of KP salted nuts - MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUTS

Bazf · 16-04-2004, 00:44

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a
thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on
the wall.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their
lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

And my Favorite...........
Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all,
as to your allegiance.

expat · 16-04-2004, 08:35

GREENGROCERS Why throw away old,shrivelled unsold fruit and veg? Simply label it Organinc Produce and charge twice the usual price.

Skin a tomatoe by simply eating it. Hey presto! the next you are left with just the skin in the toilet ball.

A Tub of margarine sent via interflora,is the perfect romantic gift for a girl who likes making sandwiches.

Reduce wear and tear on your work clothes by 20% by simply staying in bed on Mondays and not going to work.

Len · 17-04-2004, 10:12

never wipe your bottom with a broken bottle.

expat · 18-04-2004, 11:22

By jogging to work behind the bus I am able to save 96p a day in bus fares

IF your going to San Francisco be sure to wear flowers in your Hair

Girls.... If you are to old to go on 18 to 30 holiday. Simply get ****ed lie in a sandpit and shag every bloke who looks over your fence

Supermarket Chicks.... Why not simply have love bites tattooed on your necks. That way there would never be any danger of you being without one .

ellie · 24-04-2004, 21:18

A good book with the pages wrapped in cellophane makes ideal reading in the shower

ellie · 24-04-2004, 22:37

PLAY "McDonalds Drive Thru" with your kiddies by getting them
to ride past the living room window on their trycicles and order
what they want for tea. Then let them ride round to the
kitchen window where you hand them something completely different
to eat. Unless they orderd fish fingers, in which case you tell them
to park on the flower bed and wait for half an hour until they are ready !!!

Len · 25-04-2004, 01:51

Ya, thats good is that, nice one.