The Olympic Games.

[lettie]

I know this is not a local sport, but I didn't know where else to put it (no lewd suggestions please!!!)

What are your favourite Olympic events? How well do you think team GB will do?

I personally like watching the equestrian events and gymnastics, although I did watch quite a lot of the boxing last time. I have always been totally useless at sports, so field and track events don't normally interest me (even though I'm built like and East German shotputter)


The word 'Gymnastics' is derived from the Greek word 'Gymno' meaning naked...

Puts a whole new slant on the parallel bars doesn't it????

[yerself]

Today's paper reported that one of Tealeaf's sporting heroes, one Timothy Henman esquire, would be going for gold. The article said he was seeded fourth. I bet T won't be able to drag himself away from the telly. I thought the Olympics was an amateur event, unless Henman earns so little they took pity on him and decided to let him compete.
The only local (in inverted commas) interest is in the clay-pigeon shooting where Ian Peel, who comes from either Gt.Harwood, Blackburn or Burnley, depending on which publication you read, is competing.

[Bagpuss]

Sorry but the footy season starts Saturday and the cricket is still going strong so it's doubtful the Olympics will get a look in my house, besides we have no chance and there are to many cheats for my liking.

[Sparkologist]

Liverpool Olympics

Did you know that Liverpool had put a bid in for the Olympics? Here is a section of their bid that was leaked from the IOC...


OPENING CEREMONY

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympics Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc

HAMMER

The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw. Sledge etc) The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time

WEIGHTLIFTING

From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes

SHOOTING



A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows

1. A Moving Police Van
2. A Post Office Clerk
3. A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver
4. Their next door neighbours youngest child

NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of "I thought he was a Bizzy" or "He pulled a knife on me"

BOXING

Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home - Against the clock

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer

TIME TRIAL

The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entry, flashing, joyriding and arson

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog ****, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round

MEN'S 50Km WALK

Q - Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool?
A - Because if it walked it would get mugged
Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled

RELAY

Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars

ARCHERY

Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body

DISCUS

Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest.

In addition the following 'exhibition events' designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced

PILLOW EATING

The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner

GRAFFITI

To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour's wall in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for misspelling

BASEBALL

Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person standing wins

CLOSING CEREMONY

In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool competitors from every nation will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife wielding locals.

They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged £50 'to look after their motor'. Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallys forming a circle and ****ing on it.

The closing speech will consist of the words 'Everyone in Liverpool's a natural comedian you know' . No-one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.


Apologies to the good folks of Merseyside, but I pee'd me pants when I first read this.

[Bagpuss]

Very good but if I'd posted that with an Asian overtone to it the mods would have deleted my post, but this is an olympics thread so lets leave it at that.

[Ceejache]

Continuing with the 'amateur' theme - I would say that both C.Ronaldo and Heinze are considerably professional with their £50,000 a week wages!

Two Greek sprinters missed a drugs test last night after they were allowed home by the Greek officials to collect some items. It will be interesting to see what consequences follow this in the wake of the Ferdinand case.....

The whole drug issue is a bit of a turn off for me as well to be honest - but no doubt I will find myself watching it at times, too bad we have no gold medal prospects (apart from the Ainslie guy in the yachting). I agree with Bagpuss, the football starts on the same day so it aint got a chance in my house also.

[Sparkologist]

The Olympic Games have been moved from Liverpool, because the madals went missing. They have been relocated to Red-neck country, Alabamha, in America's deep south... Here is the itinery.




10. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.

9. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor.

8. The big event is the 100m Sisterchase.

7. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.

6. Urine drug test transformed into "Distance P*ssin' Competition."

5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.

4. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth.

3. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.

2. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes.

1. Two words: Billy Bobsledding.

[Smiffy16]

hehehee...good one Spark

[Bazf]

http://home.datacomm.ch/marco.fernan...o/olympics.swf hope this works its got that rather european flavor but some parts are funny.

[Ceejache]

Excellent Bazf. Keep em coming.

[Fearon1]

lol spark..........