When I reach even more venerable age than I've already arrived at I've decided to become the classic grumpy old dame.
I will go around muttering, darkly, about "the young people today" and scowl at anyone under the age of 55. I will sail through shop doors that people have held open for me, without an acknowledgement, then try to trip them up with my walking stick.
In the supermarket I will park my trolley in the middle of the aisle, next to the shelf-stacker's skip, so that no one can get past. When I go to the checkout I will go to the "8 Items or Less" queue - with 32 items in my trolley. I will wait until the bill is totalled then look for my debit card, then find I have left it at home, then write out a cheque, then start packing my bags, then complain that no one is helping me to pack them.
When shopping in town I will hire a mobility scooter and drive it recklessly at other shoppers. If I see an interesting shop window I will stop at a right-angle to the window so that other people have to walk in the gutter to pass me. I will reverse the scooter at 30 mph when they are behind me.
I will go out for a meal with friends or family and flirt outrageously with the waiter all evening but I will not leave a tip. I will eat every scrap on my plate then complain, loudly, that the fish was "off" and the vegetables were uncooked. When the bill arrives I will sit back, scrutinise the table cloth and glower at the people at the next table.
To round all this off I will, if challenged, smile sweetly and say, "Who are you, dear?"
I will go around muttering, darkly, about "the young people today" and scowl at anyone under the age of 55. I will sail through shop doors that people have held open for me, without an acknowledgement, then try to trip them up with my walking stick.
In the supermarket I will park my trolley in the middle of the aisle, next to the shelf-stacker's skip, so that no one can get past. When I go to the checkout I will go to the "8 Items or Less" queue - with 32 items in my trolley. I will wait until the bill is totalled then look for my debit card, then find I have left it at home, then write out a cheque, then start packing my bags, then complain that no one is helping me to pack them.
When shopping in town I will hire a mobility scooter and drive it recklessly at other shoppers. If I see an interesting shop window I will stop at a right-angle to the window so that other people have to walk in the gutter to pass me. I will reverse the scooter at 30 mph when they are behind me.
I will go out for a meal with friends or family and flirt outrageously with the waiter all evening but I will not leave a tip. I will eat every scrap on my plate then complain, loudly, that the fish was "off" and the vegetables were uncooked. When the bill arrives I will sit back, scrutinise the table cloth and glower at the people at the next table.
To round all this off I will, if challenged, smile sweetly and say, "Who are you, dear?"