It was fraught

M

Margaret Pilkington

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Wednesday morning... I was phoned by the girls in the bereavement centre.
They could not guarantee that the paperwork would be ready, but advised me to book the last 'registration slot' so that if it was, then we would be good to go.

I was on tenterhooks.
Time...precious time was slipping away.
I could see MA's wishes melting like summer snow.
There was only a limited amount of time in which all the legal stuff could be completed....and if we did not get things sorted then her body would be no use to the University for research.

The phone rang at 2.45...the paperwork was ready...we could go over to the hospital and pick up the paperwork, we could register the death.

We set off to the hospital....after I had called Manchester to tell them that the paperwork had been done.
The research assistant promised they would get back to me before 5pm.

The trouble was we were still out at 5pm....coming back from the registration process.
So by the time I got home, the office staff at Manchester had gone home and there was no one to speak to.
There was nothing at all I could do about it until the following morning.

If I thought that Wednesday was fraught....well, it had nothing at all on Thursday.

I waited until 9am, then phoned Manchester.
They took all the details and said they would phone me back....the waiting was a bit of a trial, but not for one minute did I really think they would turn Ma down...which is what they did!

The co-ordinator gave me another centre to contact...Leeds.
I had also been one jump ahead by accessing information from the Human Tissue Authority.
I had my iPad on their contacts page.

I phoned Leeds....went through all the details again.
They wanted the details of the doctor who had certified the death...and the Hospital....I gave them all of those details.
It was another waiting game....except this time rather than waiting I got onto other centres....
Sheffield, Nottingham, Keele,
Leicester, Hull
Every time I had the trying task of repeating all of the details.

Nottingham said that if they could take Mum, we would be asked to pay the transport costs for the round trip.
I told them that this would not be a problem.
They also told me that they used the bodies for a shorter time....they were used by surgeons to practice surgical techniques...this meant that the 'life'(I know thatnis ironic) of the body is shorter.

All of the centres got back to me....and all of them were declining taking Mum.

I had contacted Liverpool by leaving a message on their answerphone...but had heard nothing back.

All these phone calls and the waiting for responses took me the whole of the day....and my spirits and my hope was fading fast.

Then Claire from Liverpool phoned me.
The protocol was the same....and I was quite dejected.
Claire wanted the name of the doctor, the ward she had been on, the cause of death...and she still did not say if they had a space.

I said to Nessa that maybe we should walk up to Champs and set about organising the simplest cremation ceremony, as it looked like we were set to fail.
I was just putting the paperwork together when the phone rang.
It was Claire...she said that she would be pleased to accept Mum and thanked us for our generosity in donating.
I told her if she had been within hugging distance I would have given her the biggest ever hug.

She told us that we needed to get the paperwork over to RBH as the undertakers for the University would be picking Ma up the next morning...early.
We were elated. Just to think that at 90, Ma had got a place in the medical faculty at Liverpool University.
It made us smile and I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

We took the paperwork over to the Mortuary and got it there before Liverpool had been in touch.

We were a bit nearer.
 
I'm so glad yeh finally got things sorted Margaret, must have been really stressful and upsetting for you all. Yeh got my deepest sympathy.
 
I was fried and frayed, I was emotionally wrecked, but I survived....we survived.
My sister was with me too....she felt impotent.
In situations like this you have no control over anything.
 
I honestly cannot understand why they mess bereaved relatives about like they do? its as if NO thought at all has been given to them.
 
To be fair Cashy, the girls I dealt with were very sensitive....they do not know in advance how many donations they will need.
And every one of the co-ordinators helped by giving me another contact number.
The only way it could have been made less painful would have been if they had passed all the details on to each other....or if there had been a centralised database.
Now, I know this would be difficult because each University and Medical faculty has different criteria for acceptance....and also the window for acceptance is different.
Some centres will accept a donation ten days after death....some want the donation to be no more than five days old.

It must be difficult for them to be turning down donations...but not perhaps quite as difficult as being turned down.

It does actually state on the bequeathal form that a donation may not be accepted....and for a variety of reasons.

It all turned out OK in the end....and I would hope that my experience would not put off those who want to leave their remains to medical science.
 
I am so relieved for you that you finally managed to fulfil your mother's wishes. It shows once again your strength, Margaret, especially in times of needing to be strong.....many people would have given up. My thoughts continue to be with you.
 
Thank you Stevie...I have to say then if you could feel my despair, then I have written it well.
Challenges change us...mainly they make us stronger.

Dorothy, thank you for your words and thoughts.
I was always going to do my very best.
I had done it in life and her passing did not soften my resolve...it was not easy, but then do we really value the things that come easily to us?
 
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